tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28252736397624710922024-03-14T03:11:46.289-07:00Goats Eat CansUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-19683885412106061822014-01-16T21:27:00.000-08:002014-01-16T21:27:36.343-08:00MR. MOVIES<link href="file://localhost/Users/stvfoolery/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">To say that I was a bit of a loner in college is sort of
like saying Nicholas Cage is just a <i>little</i>
bonkers and George Clooney is <i>sort of</i>
a poon hound.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The truth is that Nic drinks goat blood and sleeps in bed
of ejaculate-stained first editions of Spider-Man#1, while Clooney has used his
dong to take the vaginal temperatures of every broad in the 90210 area code.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Vaginal
temperatures. Heh. That made me laugh when I typed it.</span></i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">For three years I lived alone and for three years I left
my cramped 10x10 closet of an apartment long enough to attend classes,
occasionally grab a burger from the Wendy’s down the street, and return home.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t look anyone in the eye,
and I certainly didn’t invite anyone over to chat about the scholastic haps.</span><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">No one would have come anyway – mostly because I was using phrases like <i>scholastic
haps</i>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Back then I didn’t have cable and I barely had the
internet. When I wasn’t working I was staring at the walls in silence, and when
I wasn’t staring at the walls in silence I was masturbating while staring at
the walls and occasionally grunting.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">When I was done masturbating I would usually cry.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">GOOOOOOO COLLEEEEGGGGEEE!</span><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">With no television and a sore penis from my furious
tear-filled jerk sessions I needed something else to distract me from my sad
excuse for a </span><i style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">life.</i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"></span><br />
<i style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I found that distraction in movies.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Literally out the back door of my apartment building and
across an alleyway was the Columbus Metropolitan Library. Unlike pretty much
everything else in the city of Columbus, the library was a place worth
visiting. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Also unlike everything else in downtown Columbus, it
didn’t smell like forgotten dreams and hobo creams. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Hobo
creams. Heh. I’m on a roll.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The place was massive. It was an absolute wonderland of
information spread across three floors and square footage of which I’m too lazy
to do the math. A person could get lost in there. Sometimes on the weekends
they would pack entire orchestras into the main hall and have them spend the
day playing. There were gift shops and coffee bars. These were chandeliers and
there were authors coming for visits on the regular. <i><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Not that I bothered to attend any of them.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I was
too busy masturbating and crying. </span></i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">There were even partitions between the urinals in the
men’s room.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">That’s
hoity-toity upscale livin’ where I come from.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The third floor of the library was dedicated to <i>“new media.”</i> Keep in mind that this was
back in the late 1990’s and <i>“new media” </i>in
the late 1990’s was basically books on CD, those darn new-fangled <i>confusers </i>everyone was talking about,
and of course, VHS tapes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The collection of VHS movies was, in a word,
fanfuckingtastic. Anyone with a library card was allowed to check out three
flicks at a time. The day the movies were returned three more could be checked
out. It was completely free, there weren’t any limits on how many could be
checked out in a week, and while I didn’t have cable, I did have a VHS player.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">It was perfect. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I had no friends. I had no cable. I had nowhere else to
be. I had all the time in the world on my hands and I had a treasure trove free
entertainment at my disposal. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">At first things were great. I was seeing movies I’d never
seen. I was introduced to Kurosawa getting to know Goddard, and
becoming reacquainted with Alfred Hitchcock. I saw <i>The 400 Blows</i> for the first time. I snagged myself a copy of <i>The Pawnbroker</i> and finally got to see
Kubrick’s <i>Paths of Glory.</i> I was
falling in love with cinema in a whole new way and I was masturbating a heck of
a lot less.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Strangely
enough I was crying more, but it was a different sort of cry.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">After a month of almost daily movie runs things started
to get weird.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“Back again? Wow.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“Weren’t you just here yesterday?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“You again! You must really love movies.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Ug.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“What’s on the plate for today Mr. Movies?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Damn
it.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The employees had become accustomed to my face. There
were seeing me every day and they were remembering me with their stupid brains.
Suddenly they wanted to <i>chit-chit.</i> I was the weirdo they talked about during
their lunch break. I was the creepy guy in the trench coat checking out three
creepy movies they’d never heard of almost every day. I was becoming a mascot.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I was
Mr. Movies.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t want to be Mr. Movies.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The moniker didn’t do anything for my already fragile ego
and it certainly wasn’t going to do anything for my non-existent love life. I
wanted to be Mr. Big Dong, or Mr. Fat Wallet. Even Mr. Nowak. I wouldn’t have
even cared that it wasn’t even my name. <i>Why
couldn’t they just call me Mr. Nowak?</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Mr. Movies was 78<sup>th</sup> on the list of the 100
Misters I wanted to be known as, right before Mr. Punches babies and right
after Mr. Mxyzptlk.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">In order to avoid their awkward glances, comments, and
the pitied expressions on their faces I took the time to learn the schedules of
everyone working in that section. I knew who would be there in the morning, and
in the night, and on what day of the week. I planned my trips accordingly. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Three times a week – that was my goal. I didn’t want to
run into any of them more than three times a week. Nine artsy, and sometimes
not so artsy VHS films a week was still monumentally sad, but it wasn’t nearly
as sad as twenty-one.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">For a little while it actually worked. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“Haven’t seen you around here lately.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“Where have you been?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">“What’cha been up to, Mr. Nowak?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">Fug.</span></i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"> Well,
it was working for the most part.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">In any case, I wasn’t Mr. Movies anymore. I’d beaten the
system. I’d outsmarted the library employees and I’d tricked them into looking
at me exactly the same as they did every other pathetic, no-life sap that
strolled into the place looking for the absolute cheapest of cheap
entertainment. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">With my chest puffed, back straight, chin held high, and three VHS movies tucked under my arm I headed to the local Wendy’s to
celebrate victory with my traditional double cheeseburger, medium fries and a
coke. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">The moment I arrived the woman behind the counter spotted
me and screamed from across the room, “Hey, burger baby! I’ll have your order
ready by the time you get to the front of the line, honey!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">From
Mr. Movies to Burger baby.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;">I really needed to find new places to hang out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-70313683594922706282013-03-26T14:47:00.001-07:002013-03-26T14:47:46.206-07:00SUPER SHITSHINS TO THE RESCUE!
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Your
reign on top was short, like leprechauns. As I crush so-called willies, thugs,
and rapper-dons.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Damn
straight, Biggie. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Don’t get me wrong, those lyrics are a wee bit
silly, but damn straight, Biggie.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s
what I was listening to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s
what I was listening to the day I nearly died.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m
not sure what that says about me. <i>Probably
nothing at all.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">White
dudes in their thirties who enjoy an occasional track from the late Mr. Smalls
are the coolest white dudes of all, right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In
any case, it was a night like any other night. The sun had, long since, set and
I was enjoying/hating every moment of my nightly jog/run. The rhymes of a
rather plump African Ammerican rapper were pumping through my ears, tickling my
brain with thier lispy lyrical goodness. My shins were hurting because my shins
always hurt when I run/walk. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>They’re shitshins.</i><br />
<br />
That’s what shitshins do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
was in pain, serious pain. My shins were throbbing like the babyhole<i> </i>of a cat in heat. They were hurting
more then Will Smith’s ego after <i>Wild
Wild West.</i> I needed to take a break. I also needed to catch my breath, but
I’m going to blame that on my deficient shins rather than my piss-poor
athleticism. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Less
than five seconds after stopping, inhaling, and trying to ignore the sound of
my lower legs cracking, something flew past me. It was huge. Three thousand
pounds of steel and gas, and gears, and hoses, and rubber, and leather and
whatever else is used to make a car leapt off of the road behind me and took to
the air. It flipped onto the sidewalk, steel screaming, glass flying. It
smashed through a tree and a row of bushes, spinning and tossing dirt in every
direction. When it finally stopped, it was just ten feet away, headlights
shattered, driver side collapsed, smoke seeping from underneath the twisted
hood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Holy shit.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Holy shit. Shit.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sholy Hit.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
didn’t move, didn’t even blink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Amazingly,
I hadn’t crapped my pants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly,
I was moving forward. I didn’t particularly want to move forward, but that’s exactly
what I was doing. I couldn’t tell if anyone was alive inside the flying
deathtrap that nearly transformed me into a racing stripe on the underpants of
a poorly wiped backside. I couldn’t image how anyone would be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Seemed impossible.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
was fully expecting to see something that resembled the crisper tray in Jeffery
Dahmer’s refrigerator when I arrived at what was left of the passenger side
door – a literal <i>head</i> of lettuce,
pinky fingers instead of baby carrots, a scooped out skull being used as a
guacamole serving dish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It
was going to be gross. I just knew it was going to be gross. It had to be
gross.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Amazingly,
the passenger side window was intact. At first glance, I didn’t see any severed
limbs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So that was a good thing.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While
the door was a complete mess, the window seemed to be hanging in there. I
leaned in close. I could vaguely make out the shadow of a person in the driver’s
seat. It was moving. It was a woman. Her head seemed to be exactly where her
head was supposed to be. Her arms looked attached, fingers still in place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Are
you okay?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She
didn’t respond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Are
you hurt?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Went
from ten G’s for blow to thirty G’s a show, to orgies with hoes I never seen
befo.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Damn
it, I still had my earbuds in.<i> That would
have been a really odd response from her.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
popped them out. “Can you move?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“I’m
okay. I don’t…I don’t know…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She
was shaken up. She was babbling, not making much sense. A light near the hood
caught my eye, the warm glimmer of fire. Something was on fire under the car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While
I don’t know a hell of a lot about cars<i> –
nothing actually - I </i>knew enough to realize that fire probably wasn’t
supposed to be there. It probably wasn’t flaming like Bruce Vilanch at Harvey
Fierstein’s sixty-thitd birthday bash when they drove it off the assembly line.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“You
should probably get out, if you can.” I tried to open the passenger side door.
Unfortunatley it looked like Rihanna’s face after a romantic afternoon with her
<i>man</i>. It wouldn’t budge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
had to do something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Get
back.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
passenger side window was open just a smidge at the top. I wedged my fingers
inside, held tight and pulled toward me. The glass shattered a hell of a lot easier
than I thought it would. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Leaning
into the window, I wrapped my arms around the girl, pulled her from the car,
moved her away from the wreck and sat her down on a rock. By this time, a bunch
of cars had stopped and a small crowd had gathered. There were police sirens in
the distance, maybe a fire truck. Some guy hopped from his SUV, knelt beside
the girl and started asking her questions. Other people were talking on their
cell phones. A few were using those very same phones to snap candid shots of
the flaming car. <i>Shadowgirl</i> was
shaken. Her hair was a mess, eyes glassy. She also seemed a little drunk. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Moron.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For
the first time since her car nearly wiped me from existence, I realized that I
had very nearly been wiped from existence. This broad’s car almost transformed
me into a Tom Savini make-up effect. If my shitshins hadn’t been performing to
their absolute shittiest ability, I’d have been a goner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Gonezo.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nothing
left but a mashed up smudge of powdered bones and half digested pizza. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It
would have been all she wrote. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
fat lady would have sung and the fat man would have died of complications due
to his early-onset diabetes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some
poor bastard would have been scraping the mushed remains of my brain off the
sidewalk and picking it out of the grass for days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
didn’t want to be there, anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
wanted to go home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
returned the earbuds to my ears, tossed the hood over my head and took off like
a goof ball. I think someone said something to me. I ignored them. A jog turned
into a run rather quickly and a run became a full-on sprint shortly afterward.
The flaming car, and the crowd of people, and the tipsy dope who nearly reduced
me into me a barely-there memory in the minds of a few, disappeared into the
night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When
I got home I headed straight to the bedroom. My wife was on the phone. I told
her to get off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Face
to face, out in the heat. Hangin’ tough, stayin’ hugry.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fucking earbuds.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And so what if I listen to Eye of the Tiger when I
run? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When
she didn’t get off the phone, I yelled at her. “Just get off the phone!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
spent the next ten minutes telling her what happened while pacing back and
forth, unable to believe it myself. She sat silently, twiddling her fingers,
never blinking and barely breathing. When I was done, she said I was like a
superhero, that I might have saved that girl’s life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yep,
that’s me, Shitshins McGee, shattering windows and rescuing half-drunk morons
from flaming cars. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She
also mentioned that I probably should have stayed there to answer any questions
the police might have.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That part wasn’t very superhero like.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In
fact, running away like it was the end of a Benny Hill sketch was so
un-superhero like that I probably shouldn’t have included it in this story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That
part doesn’t make me look too cool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Oh well,</i>
why change things now?</span><span style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-16236590702572609622013-02-12T11:37:00.000-08:002013-02-12T12:35:29.261-08:00PEN MAN<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I really do love drawing. It relaxes me, it takes my mind off of
things, and it can make me feel like I’ve accomplished something on those days
when I accomplish almost nothing at all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember and I can’t
imagine that I’ll stop anytime soon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Drawing has gotten me into trouble on more than a few occasions
though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br />
It’s gotten me kicked out of class. It’s angered family members and drawn my
attention away from important things like school, loved ones, and bettering
myself as a person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Drawing is like booze for me. It’s easy to get caught up in and
it’s even easier to get lost in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Granted, I’ve never woken up in a naked puddle of pencil
shavings and no memory of what I did the night before, but still, you get the
point I’m trying to make, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">For example, in one of my grade school science classes my
teacher asked the students to bring in something from home for an experiment we
would be conducting the following week. He suggested that a baseball might
work, or a basketball, or even an apple – basically something roundish - something
that could be easily rolled. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I honestly don't recall the specifics of the experiment or what
we were testing and more than likely this is because I didn't care.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was a terrible student.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was a worse student than Dr. Phil is a therapist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I was a worse student than Casey Anthony was a mother.<br />
<br />
I was a worse student than Dom Deluise was a sex machine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The following week most everyone in the class managed to bring
in something roundish, and something capable of rolling - most everyone, except
my friend, Mark. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">To put it bluntly, Mark was a bit of a dunderhead <i>(yep, I typed the word dunderhead)</i> and
Mark forgot to bring something in at all. With nothing available my dunderheaded
pal opted to try and roll his pen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">He failed miserably.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">And I mocked him mercilessly
for it.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The pen flipped and plopped and occasionally slid, but it never
really came close to something anyone might consider a roll. It was a pathetic
display. It was a pathetic display put on by a pathetic young lad and he
deserved everything I tossed his way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Just when he thought I was done making fun of him, I decided to
make him the lead character in a comic book called Pen Man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">In no time at all, my little seven-page joke was making its way
around the class. My friends liked Pen Man. The class liked Pen Man. They liked
the drawings and they appreciated that it was poking fun at Mark. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">A few of them wanted a copy, so I made some photocopies and sold
them for a buck each. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Not long after that, they were clamoring for a second issue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">The character of Pen Man had become so well known that people
started referring to Mark as Pen Man. Like nicknames tend to do, Pen Man stuck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">In fact, people were referring to, Mark as Pen Man more than
they were Mark, which of course annoyed him to no end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">When I moved away a few years later, I kept on drawing Pen Man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I don't really know why I did it. Mark was no longer a part of
my life and I was at that age where selling homemade comics to people at school
would have succeeded only in getting me beaten up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">“You like drawing comics, nerd? Then you’re going to love
drinking toilet water.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Characters from Pen Man spun off into their own titles, new
characters were created, and soon enough my little brother (who came up with a
few characters of his own) and I had created, Novak Comics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I know, it’s a pretty
creative name, right?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Well into High School, I was still drawing Pen Man. I drew him
home. I drew him on the bus. I drew him in the library. I drew him at lunch,
and I drew him in class - continuing my legacy of truly awful studentry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">I know “studentry” isn’t
technically a word. Shut up. No one asked you. Keep your damn mouth shut.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Now, you might think I would have eventually stopped scribbling
on typing paper in my free time and stapling the pages along the edge, but I
didn't. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">When I should have been soaked in booze and buried to the hilt
in lady parts in college, I was still drawing Pen Man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">When should have been going on dates, and meeting women, and
applying for jobs, and planning my future, I was still drawing Pen Man. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">When I graduated, moved to California and got married?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Yep, I was still doing it then - at least for a little while.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Eventually I wised up and put the kibosh on the adventures of
Pen Man and the whole Novak Comics thing as a whole. It was hard to do, but it
had to be done. By that time I'd probably drawn well over five hundred issues -
which is sad, terrifying, and just a tiny bit impressive – <i>in a sad and terrifying sort of way.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">For years since, the Pen Man books have been gathering dust in
my office. The paper is crinkling. It's turning yellow and its getting brittle.
Even the staples are beginning to rust. These things weren't made to last, and
because of that I spent the better part of a year scanning and categorizing
every single page of every issue. I even started to put them online.<br />
<br />
I couldn’t just let Pen Man rust away.<br />
<br />
Too many things go away in life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Pen Man didn’t need to be
one of them.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">There’s a part of me that hopes Mark is still out there
somewhere and he'll somehow stumble onto them during a break in his regularly
scheduled internet porn routine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #535353; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Maybe, for the briefest of moments he'll remember how much he
hated it when everyone called him Pen Man and he’ll cruse my name through
clenched teeth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #535353; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s the kind
of stuff that brings a smile to my face.</span><span style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-90107858259122107392012-12-03T13:50:00.000-08:002012-12-03T13:51:32.742-08:00VASECTOMY FUN!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I won't be having any kids—ever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You see, some years ago, I had my balls chopped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think it was a wise choice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, I’d argue that there should be a parade
thrown in my honor for having the sense not to unleash another smaller, louder
version of myself on the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm serious. Start organizing this thing right
now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’d like confetti. I definitely want a band. A
stripper might be nice too, but it’s not a deal breaker. I also want a giant
Snoopy balloon, and I want a half-drunk Kathy Lee Gifford covering the whole thing
with Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark handling the cutaways. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>That’s
right, dig that guy out of the mothballs!</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hop
to it!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In order to prevent an accident that
might have ushered in the end of days
and unleashed what I can only imagine would be the Anti-Christ into the
world, I decided at the tender age of twenty-four to get a vasectomy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A vasectomy is supposed to be a simple
procedure—and for the most part, they are. They’re fairly quick and painless,
and the recovery time is no big deal at all.<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"If
you have it on a Friday, you can be back to work on Monday."</i> That's what they say, and for the most part, they
aren't lying. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While there isn’t really any pain involved, the
actual operation stands to this very day as one of the most bizarre situations
I’ve ever elected to put myself into.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The wife made the journey to the doctor with me
early on a Friday morning. She wouldn’t be allowed in the actual operating
room, but she wanted to be there—you know, for emotional support and all that
jazz. <i>She’s sweet like that.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think she half-expected me to feel like I was
losing a part of my manhood or something—like I’d be more Chastity Bono than
Chaz Bono when it was over. Personally, I never understood that line of
thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sperm
proves I’m a man? Really? The ability to create little idiot versions of myself
is the single defining asset of manhood? Without it, I might as well slide into
a pair of panties and shove some dude’s wiener into my mouth?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Now
you’re just being silly. </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We arrived at the doctor’s office, I signed in,
and no less than forty-five minutes later he called for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>The penis
slicing service is impeccable.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first thing I noticed was that my nurse looked
a hell of a lot like a young Diana Ross—though I’m not sure if this put me more
at ease or less at ease. Diana handed me a couple of pills—which started taking
effect shortly thereafter. When I was sufficiently lightheaded, she gave me a
gown and pointed me in the direction of a changing room. Once I was changed, it
was off to the operating room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I kept expecting her to break into a rousing
rendition of “Ain't No Mountain High Enough.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>She
didn’t.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Go ahead and lay down on your back,
baby."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Baby?
That was a little informal.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I did exactly as sassy Diana asked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was down, and I was comfortable, the pills were
doing their job, and before I knew it she was sliding a pillow underneath my
head, which in turn made me even more comfortable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was going great.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A few minutes later, the doctor strolled in. He
was a young guy—mid-to-late thirties with a very big, very round, and very red
face. He had cheeks like Santa Claus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Awesome.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My doctor was Santa Claus, and my nurse was Diana
Ross. <i>That’s a double-win in my book.</i>
This was going to be a breeze.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Diana rolled my gown up and exposed my most
special of areas to the chilly, air-conditioned air. As expected, this caused it
to shrink just a smidge. It wasn’t exactly the first impression I wanted to
make, but there wasn’t much I could do about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why do
they always run from the cold, anyway? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Does an Eskimo's dong do the same thing? Is all of
Alaska filled with tiny-junked Eskimos and unsatisfied Eskimo women?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I need to
find an Eskimo and ask.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To the right of me, Santa was fumbling around with
something metal. I could hear some clanking. The sound disappeared when Diana
clicked on a radio somewhere behind my head and some ultra-relaxing elevator
music began to play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just as I was settling into the sweet
sounds of a Kenny G cover band, the seventies funk diva wrapped her hand around
my pee-hose and tugged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hello!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She quickly unrolled some tape and began taping it
my belly. I'd say she was taping him to my chest, but I'd just be bragging—and
lying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My eyes moved to the ceiling. Maybe this wasn’t
going to be so much fun after all. Maybe I jumped to conclusions. Maybe I was a
little quick to judge. Maybe I let Santa and his chop-happy helper lull me into
a false sense of security. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A pair of hands was rubbing something wet onto my sack.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay,
then.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now I was getting nervous. I needed to focus on
something else—something other than the fact that two people were preparing to
slice into the most delicate patch of flesh on my body. The anticipation of the
knife on my man marbles was rapidly working its way into my brain. I could
visualize the knife cutting—and the blood—and the goop inside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I desperately needed to focus on something else—on
anything else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started counting holes in the ceiling panels. I
needed to do something and there wasn’t much else available. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. 3. 4.
5. 6. 7. 8…what the hell was that? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly, there was a breeze where there shouldn’t
have been a breeze.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did
someone just slice open my coin purse?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I needed to relax. I needed to ignore what was
happening and relax. <i>This wasn’t fun at
all</i>. Why did I ever think it was going to be fun? I tried to focus on the
music. That’s what it was there for, right? It sounded like an elevator version
of "The Wind Beneath My Wings." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I hate
that song.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unable to suffer through any more faux Bette
Midler, I went back to counting. I couldn’t figure out where I stopped. 25? 28?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Screw it.
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">16. 17.
18…what the hell? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly, I could very literally <i>feel</i> something being pulled out of my marble
casing. It didn’t hurt—not one bit. I could still feel it, though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Something was cut. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then something was burning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>What's
that smell?</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It smelled like a fish being poked with a
soldering iron.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Holy
crap.</i> It was me! It’s me I was
smelling! The stringy insides of my hanger pouch was the fish and those sick
bastards were frying me up!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A few minutes and a couple more snips,
stuffs, and sews later, it was nearly over. The voice of Santa Claus rose up
from my crotch. "Okay, Mr. Novak. We're almost done."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I tried to focus my attention on the ceiling and
the terrible music—I really did. The sensations and the smells and the
weirdness of it all was simply too much to handle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started laughing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started laughing out loud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Everything okay, Mr. Novak?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I told Santa that everything was hunky-dory and
tried my damnedest to stop from giggling, but I couldn’t. What kind of question
was that anyway? He was in the middle of stuffing something that felt a little
like spaghetti into a slit cut into my baby housing. Everything wasn’t okay.
Everything was goofy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I mean, I was voluntarily paying this man to hack
up my freshly shaven testicles and poke at the stuff inside. When I stopped to
think about it, it was pretty damn bizarre.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It
deserved a laugh.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I spent the next three days walking like a
bow-legged pregnant woman moments from giving birth, changing bloody bandages every
few hours, and wearing a piss-soaked jockstrap. The entire time my balls were
the same color as a rotting prune.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Despite the claims to the contrary, I wasn't completely
healed by Monday. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm also still waiting on my parade.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, and don't worry about the Snoopy balloon. I've
changed my mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want Mr. Peabody now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sherman too.</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-73066158130213037122012-06-28T19:05:00.000-07:002012-06-28T19:47:08.388-07:00VOLUME 1 IS FREE!<br />
<br />
<center><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdPKGFXNHR8d4AZMoAN-1fxsFvtVeQ6RBCEVE0n0UKsygObn8Ell5k6mgxEsphohCtEvijNfRYlsf3oC3-cYIepMszWQEi6pN6hVNzajfDb4fAehdO14ZbgmK7z7OnndYAOt-_Tl2ArAY/s640/FreeVol1.jpg" /><center></center></center><center style="text-align: left;">In honor of the long awaited release of Goats Eat Cans Volume 2, Goats Eat Cans Volume 1 is completely and totally free as a Kindle download for three days!</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">Three days!</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">Three measly days!</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">For three days this thing won't cost you anything more than the time of your life that you'll eventually waste reading it!</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">For three days you can take money from my pocket and food from my table!</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;">For three days you can rip me off and feel good about it because I'm asking you to do it!<br /><br />Hell, I'm begging you to do it! I'm on my hands in knees in a leather outfit that leaves little to the imagination with my pasty white cheeks in the air, and I'm just begging to be spanked. Hit me damn it! Hit me and watch my ass ripple like the midsection of the world's most unattractive belly dancer!<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Goats-Eat-Cans-Volume-ebook/dp/B007BICKXE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1340935378&sr=8-2&keywords=goats+eat+cans+volume+1">CLICK HERE</a></span></b> and punish me like the sad excuse for a man that I am! <i>You know you want to.</i><br /><br />Oh, and when you're done with that, maybe you could <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Goats-Eat-Cans-Volume-ebook/dp/B008BW9A6E/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1340935400&sr=1-1&keywords=goats+eat+cans+volume+2">CLICK HERE</a></span></b> and plunk down a couple bucks for Volume 2 to thank me.</center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;"><i>Crazy ass-obsessed cheapskates.</i></center>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-84588533040945225312012-05-21T11:04:00.000-07:002012-05-21T13:59:43.191-07:00I SOMETIMES LET MY WIFE DRIVE <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Generally, when the wife and I
take to the highway, which is a pretty rare occurrence, I’m the one behind the
wheel. This isn’t because I have a penis and I think that it takes a penis to
operate a motor vehicle. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><i>Driving a car
with a penis would be difficult, even for those most gifted in the dong area.</i></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The truth is that, despite my
penis, I don’t like cars and I hate driving. It’s boring, and it’s cramped, and
dealing with the idiots on the road is a pain in the ass. Plus, there’s nowhere
I want to go. If I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t like the act of
getting there, what’s the point? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There
isn’t one.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’ve also never changed a tire
or oil, or even opened a glove compartment. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;">Actually,
I have done the last thing once or twice.</span></i><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are two reasons I insist
on driving when the only other person in the car is my wife. Want me to list
them? No? Well, I’m going to do it anyway. If you didn’t want to read my
ramblings you probably shouldn’t have bought this book, and you definitely
shouldn’t have made it this far into it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first is that my wife gets
nervous every time a truck passes her on the highway, and every time she gets
nervous, she nearly drives us off the road. Seriously, in eleven years of
marriage we’re averaging two close call collisions into the midway per season. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s amazing there aren’t multiple shards of
windshield embedded in my brain yet.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The second reason I don’t like
to let my wife behind the wheel is because she seems to think she knows exactly
where she’s going, when in truth, she knows very little. The problem is that
she’s lived in southern California her entire life. She thinks she knows every
secret back road, shortcut, and quicker route home that there is to know. She
thinks she’s smarter than the GPS and the various satellites feeding the GPS
its information. That’s right, she thinks she’s smarter than the billion dollar
computers floating in space.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This
is a woman who isn’t yet sure how to empty the trash can on her laptop.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On this particular occasion,
when my wife opened her hand, motioned for the keys, and said to me, “I know a
shortcut. It’ll get us home in half the time,” she seemed oblivious to just how
silly she sounded.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I knew she was going to get us
lost and she knew that I knew that she was going to get us lost. The car even
knew she was going to get us lost and the keys clung to my palm like sticky
candy to the grubby-fat palm of a pudgy baby.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Needless to say, I was
reluctant. I tried to shoo her away. “No, it’s okay. It’s not like we’re in a
hurry or anything. I’ve got it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Stop it, Steven. Come on.
Give me the keys.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I should have shoved her over.
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s exactly what I should have done. </i>I
should have walloped her in the chest with both hands and slammed her to the
pavement. When her skull hit the cement, it might have knocked her unconscious.
Once she’d been neutralized, I could have rolled her into the trunk, drove us
home, and saved us both the misery of what was to come.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, I did the exact
opposite.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Her eyes narrowed and she
motioned for the keys once again. “Come on, Steven. Give me the keys.” She
meant business. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With a sigh and a shake of my
head, I handed over the keys. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I really
need to start walloping people more.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We were on the highway for
less than five minutes when she pulled off.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Where are you going, hun?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“It’s a shortcut. Trust me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before continuing, I should
mention that we were only half an hour away from our destination to begin with.
We didn’t have a long trip ahead of us. We weren’t traversing the country by
covered wagon and stopping at night to cook beans from a can and blast a
buffalo in the face for protein. There wasn’t a chance that either of us was
going to die of dysentery along the way. The car was air-conditioned. It was
comfortable. There was a bag of fun-sized snickers in the back seat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In a roundabout sort of way,
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">regular</i> cut was actually a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shortcut. </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The wife wasn’t hearing it,
though. She thought she knew a quicker way home and damn it she was going to
take it!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ten minutes into the journey
it was fairly clear to the both of us that we were lost. The direct route the
highway provided was a distant memory. Even if we had wanted to turn around and
go back the way we came, we wouldn’t have been able too. We’d been wandering
for too long and we’d past the point of no return.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .3in;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I felt like I needed to say
something. “We’re lost, aren’t we?”</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“No. Stop it. I know exactly where we’re going.”</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wasn’t buying it. A blind man
with one deaf ear, the inability to speak, a pack of rodents living in his
lower intestine, and wooden pegs where his arms should be wouldn’t have bought
it. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My wife is a terrible actress.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She was nervous. She wiped a
bead of sweat from her face, tried her damndest to erase the look of utter
confusion from her face, and turned on the radio. Some terrible 80s song began
to play and she threw one hand into the air like she’d just stepped into the
hottest club in town and she owned the place. “Alright! I love this song!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I still wasn’t buying it. It
was a distraction. She was trying to throw me off the scent and it wasn’t going
to work. No one likes old Bananarama songs that much. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Not even Bananarama.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fifteen minutes later, the sun
began to set. The car jumped and the road turned to gravel. Our tires were
spitting dirt, and there were rocks banging against all of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">car-stuff</i> on the underside.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think I heard a piston pop. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I dunno what it was. </i>Something popped. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before I could say a word, my
wife held up her hand and pointed her palm at my face. “Not a word, Steven!
Don’t you dare say a word! The turn is right up here. Three more blocks and
we’re there!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My only problem was that there
didn’t seem to be anything even vaguely resembling “blocks” where we were. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We passed by a fence that
looked like it had been constructed in the early 20s from the bones of dead
cowboys. I swear I saw a femur. There was a dead raccoon twisted in the barbed
wire, binding them all together and blowing in the breeze like a pirate flag. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It was a warning.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Five minutes later I spotted a
rusted Port-A-Potty in the middle of an empty field. Rip Van Winkle himself
peeked out from the door and flashed us the finger. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I think I might have seen his junk.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the sun dropped from the
sky I began to get worried. We’d been four-wheeling through the backwoods of
DeliveranceTown for nearly an hour. Sure, we hadn’t yet been kidnapped and butt
raped by the locals, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. I’ve heard
that hillbilly butt rape happens most often at night. Trust me on this. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I read it in a pamphlet. <o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">From the darkness outside,
something howled. I can’t say for certain if it was a wild dog, or a wolf, or
some poor, unsuspecting sap bent over the backdoor of a pickup truck getting
his fudge packed more awkwardly than Lucy and Ethel at the chocolate factory.
It was one of those things, though.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Something smacked against the
window and we both jumped, and my wife laid into the gas. Suddenly the car was
swerving, careening back and forth and tearing into the uneven ground beneath
us. A flash of lightning exploded over the mountains. Something laughed. The
radio went dead and something that sounded like a lion roared. I think I even
heard a gunshot.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was seconds from leaning
over, walloping my wife in the face, taking the wheel, and getting us the hell
out of whatever circle of hell we’d accidently driven into when the gravel road
transformed, quite suddenly, again into pavement. A streetlight popped into
existence just over the horizon and three more followed soon after. A couple
minutes later my wife maneuvered the car back into civilization. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not only were we on a street I
recognized, but we were also ten minutes from home. A trip that should have
lasted thirty minutes at the most, had taken us nearly an hour and a half. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife turned to me and
smiled brightly. “See? Told you I knew where I was going.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think she actually expected
me to buy it. </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The woman’s got balls.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-37654231807652996042012-03-10T16:04:00.000-08:002012-03-11T15:54:58.145-07:00GOATS EAT CANS ON TOUR!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<center><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU0FVx3XlQRWFR2iJe16-WSP9pUgQMHAEnncs4zf_icu-G2s6pt1B2TqgkDaOKeCLsvwlZJwd9lUPnsQydQG6mkaVrfDJbKnVIDM56J2a3F3GNYoVy-zWcYpmuiBs066d-1-WtP1cqvHE/s640/TourGraphic.jpg" /><center><div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As the above graphic states so wonderfully, for the next couple months I'm hitting the road with Goats Eat Cans Volume 1 in a desperate attempt to sell some books! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That's right, it's carnival barker time, <i>bitch. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>NOTE </b><i>I shouldn't type the word "bitch". I'm way too lame to pull it off. </i><b>END NOTE </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The tour is being spread into two sections - the first of which is being sponsored by The <a href="http://www.virtualbooktourcafe.com/index.html">Virtual Book Tour Cafe</a> and the second of which is being sponsored by my pals at <a href="http://litunderground.com/">The Literary Underground</a> <i>(basically a bunch of people I now owe favors).</i> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Along the way I'll be doing guest posts, and giving away stuff, and working my <i>ass</i> off to convince you that <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Goats-Eat-Cans-Volume-ebook/dp/B007BICKXE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1331423420&sr=8-2">$1.99</a> isn't too much to spend for three hundred pages of fart jokes and references to Kim Kardashian's posterior.
Sometimes those things are one in the same. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The dates and links are listed below.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<center><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8RZ1I1G6-3tFxJ1BNpEkoRIt3VLRBWCXIQ-NT6xnDI69or07lpjVEmubU85es3cAC_Jx0KlsVBc3xOFG98Q3HMVtRNt_aGo_aRm3ffdAcpx3RAHedHQ4gcHKrVNCdGgSpqHRidzPcG70/s400/Steven-Novak-Long.jpg" /><center><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 12 - <a href="http://www.vbtcafe.com/">Meet & Greet at VBT Cafe' Blog </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 13 - <a href="http://fromthemindofomegia.blogspot.com/">Interviewed at From The Mind of Omegia </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 15 - <a href="http://bkwalkerbooksetc.blogspot.com/">Interviewed at Bk Walker Books Etc. </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 16 - <a href="http://walkermuse.blogspot.com/">Guest Blogging at Mass Musings </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 20 - <a href="http://writinginnovations.blogspot.com/">Interviewed at Writing Innovations E-zine </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 22 - <a href="http://blackdiamondsbookreviews.com/">Review & Interview at Black Diamond's Book Reviews </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 26 - <a href="http://hiretoinspire.blogspot.com/">Reviewed at Hire to Inspire </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 28 - <a href="http://ereadingonthecheap.com/">Reviewed at Ereading on the Cheap </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 30 - <a href="http://writinginnovations.blogspot.com/">Interviewed at Writing Innovations </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 3 - <a href="http://lisahaseltonsreviewsandinterviews.blogspot.com/">Interviewed at Reviews & Interviews </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 5 - <a href="http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com/">Guest Blogging with Cindy Vine</a> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 7 - <a href="http://cindy-vine.blogspot.com/">Reviewed at Rhodes Review </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 9 - <a href="http://dream-reader-dreamer2229.blogspot.com/">Reviewed at Books, Books, & More Books </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 11 - <a href="http://engelsigh.blogspot.com/">Review & Guest Post at Waiting on Sunday to Drown</a> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 12 - <a href="http://louisejames157.blogspot.com/">Interviewed by Louise James </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 17 - <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bkwalker">Interviewed at BK Media Entertainment </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 19 - <a href="http://stephsgrn.blogspot.com/">Interviewed at My World </a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 23 - <a href="http://azpublishingservices.blogspot.com/">Author Spotlight at AZ Publishing Services</a> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 23 - <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kwodradio">Interviewed on KWOD Radio</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<center><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK-mC_NeaL8RRtHlcOTud4-cP6nz7egyw2Z01IIWuxGyupWsw23Z6hZVj1wD-eRDtw5wrbGMZg_u0u8OsMJScL3lhcYcpMXJBuqVV-5hpD7DHa6uF8FFm_V6ujv4RWZio6OhmL-4ecvhc/s400/Steven-Novak-Long3.jpg" /><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;"><br /></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
April 24th - <a href="http://www.moonlitdreams.org/moonlit-reviews.html">Reviewed at Moonlit Dreams </a></span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 25th - <a href="http://mrryano.blogspot.com/">Reviewed at Pleased to Meat You </a></span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 26th - <a href="http://completelybooksessed.blogspot.com/">Reviewed at Booksessed </a></span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 27th - <a href="http://mjheiser.blogspot.com/">Reviewed at Dispatches from La-La Land </a></span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 30th - <a href="http://blogitoutb.com/">Giveaway at Blog It Out, Bitch </a></span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">May 4th - <a href="http://www.rashelleworkman.com/">Guest Post and Giveaway at A No.2 Pencil, Stat!</a> </span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">May 7th - <a href="http://easilymused.com/">Guest Post and Review at Easily Mused </a></span></center><center style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">May 9th - <a href="http://billjonesjr.com/BillJonesJr/A_Blog.html">Interviewed at This Page is Intentionally Blank </a></span></center></center></center></center></center></center>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-28877846671853782892012-02-24T13:23:00.001-08:002012-02-24T13:24:22.401-08:00MY CAT SMASHING MOJO<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have a mortal enemy. His name is Jabar.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jabar is a cat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is that lame—to have a cat as a mortal enemy?
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. If I were you though, I wouldn’t rush to judgment.
You don't know this cat. This cat is evil. He's cunning, he's focused and nasty
and vile and just plain mean.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He’s smart too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He’s real smart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He’s so smart he’ll write your midterm, and he’ll
get a better grade than you ever would have.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He's my Lex Luthor. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course, if he's Lex Luthor, that would make me
Superman, and I can’t be Superman. I hate that goody two-shoes jerk. Plus, I
look terrible in red speedos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, this cat is my Joker. Which makes me Batman.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah, I can deal with being Batman. Not the corny
seventies Batman, but cool, pissed-off Frank-Miller-Dark-Knight-Returns Batman.
I’ll be the Batman who chews steel, spits iron, and calls Robin a fruitcake<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That
Batman’s awesome.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You see, not long after purchasing and moving into
our first home, the wife and I had a cat door installed in the door leading
into our garage. We then had another installed in the side door leading from
the garage to the back yard. This was so our two cats could come and go as they
pleased. It was simple. It was cheap, and at the time, it seemed to make
perfect sense. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The thing we never counted on was that, while the
doors gave our cats the ability to get out, they also presented other cats in
the neighborhood with a way to get in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It really should have been obvious from
the start, but it wasn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly Batman. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I mean, besides being a hell of a hand-to-hand
fighter, a billionaire playboy, and a heck of a detective, Batman was also a
scientist. A scientist would have figured out the intricacies of the cat door
situation long before installation began.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I first spotted him on a Tuesday morning. I was
late to work. I hustled down the stairs and into the kitchen where I planned to
snag my keys and head for the door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was right there, waiting for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There was a very fat cat with a big black spot
over his right eye sitting on my kitchen counter. The chubby, eye-patched
little bastard was squatting on my tiled countertops without a care in the
world—like he owned the place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our eyes met and I swear to you, I saw him grin. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Before I could react, he leapt from the counter, shot
through the cat door leading into the garage, zoomed through the one leading into
the yard, and was gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not only was he smart, he was fast—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">especially for a dude carrying a couple extra
pounds.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lets jump ahead to Wednesday night. I was awoken
by the sound of two cats fighting downstairs. I figured it's just our two cats—because
they’re jerks and they fight all the time—so I tried to go back to sleep. Plus,
I was in the middle of a fairly
fantastic dream involving me, the Enterprise, and an invading horde of hypersexual
Orion slave girls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The fighting didn’t stop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It wouldn’t stop, and it sounded a heck of a lot more
vicious than usual. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I dragged myself from bed, wobbled downstairs half-awake,
and clicked on the lights. It was Jabar. He was in my house, and he was beating
the snot out of my cats. The black-eyed devil spotted me and escaped in a
blink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next night, the exact same thing
happened. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The night after that, he did it again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He
was toying with me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The wife and I decided to temporarily close up the
cat doors and bring a litter box into the equation. After a few weeks, we tried
the cat doors again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The very next night, Jabar was back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Damn it!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’d had enough. If Jabar’s intention was to start
something, he should considered it started. It was on! I was done fooling
around. I was done playing the straight man, and I was through playing nice. No
more games. No more second chances. No more lollygagging, no more pigeonholing,
and no more lollypigeons! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If he wanted some of me, he was going to get some
of me. He was going to get all of me he could handle, and them some! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I coiled my hands into fists and slammed my
knuckles together. I lifted my head to the stars and proclaimed to the heavens
above, "Bring it on, bitch!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The wife heard me from the other room. "Bring
what on? Who are you talking to?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Nothing...no one."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was a Monday night—around 11 p.m. I was in the
garage, and I was standing to the side of the door leading into the backyard.
My eyes were trained on the flapping plastic covering the cat door just below
my knees. Hoisted above my head was a brick. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My plan was simple: Cat comes into garage. Cat
gets smashed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Almost
elegant in its simplicity, no?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sort of like a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Peanuts</i> comic strip—with bricks and squashed cats.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Steven, are you in he—" The wife
stepped into the garage and immediately spotted me with a brick over my head, a
wild expression on my face, and sweat pouring from my brow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She stared at me for a moment, an indescribable
look of confusion on her face. "Steven, what are you doing?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Nothing."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Her eyes moved from me, to my smashing brick, and
back to me. She wasn’t buying my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing</i>
excuse. "No, seriously, what are you doing?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm going to crush Jabar with this
brick."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Who's Jabar?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The cat that keeps coming in here at
night."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"How do you know his name is
Jabar?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I heard the little girls across the street
calling him that when they were playing with him in their yard."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Her expression changed. Suddenly, she was looking
at me like I’d just taken a dump on the floor—like I dropped my pants and
started humping the punch bowl at her company Christmas party.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"So, wait. You're going to stand here in the
garage all night so you can smash the cat of the little girls across the street
with a brick when he tries to come in our house?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When she said it aloud like that, I have to admit,
it sounded just a little idiotic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So what?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I couldn’t let that deter me. The plan was the
plan, and the plan was set in motion. There was no coming back and no backing
down. I had no intention of allowing her to steal my need for vengeance! Under
no circumstances whatsoever was I going to let her ruin my cat-smashing mojo. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Not today!</i> Not ever again!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yep. That's exactly what I'm going
to do."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No, you're not."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm not?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No, you're not."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"But I want to."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You're not smashing that cat."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Oh."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Put the brick down and come
upstairs."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-outline-level: 1; text-indent: .3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You've
won this round Jabar.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-31051421386312066752012-02-16T22:29:00.000-08:002012-02-24T13:19:22.959-08:00THE DAVE THOMAS BATH<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Sophomore year of college I moved out of the dorms and
got myself a tiny studio apartment in the heart of downtown Columbus, Ohio. The
rent was $300 a month, it smelled like the rent was $300 a month and I
occasionally spent my night spooning a cockroach or two. None of that mattered
though.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">What did matter is that I was finally living on my own. I
was living on my own, I was living in the city, and I had absolutely no one to
answer to. I could make as much noise as I wanted to make. I could clean when I
wanted to clean and I could fart when I wanted to fart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Hell, I could’ve bought myself a bear skin rug, stripped
naked and rolled around on it while masturbating and listening to The Macarena
if I’d wanted to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Not that I wanted to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Cause I
didn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The Macarena was popular at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Don’t
judge me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I was excited about the idea of finally being on my own
and doing my own thing, and being my own man. It was going to be fantastic! It
was going to kick ass! It was going to soak the first round of ass kicking in
alcohol and slap on a few band-aids to allow the ass kicking wounds heal. After
that, it was going to kick ass again! I was pumped! I was ready to go!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Lets do
this shit!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Truthfully, I should have known
better to be so excited. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Excitement has never worked out for me. </span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Fast-forward to a month or two
after I'd moved in. I woke up in the middle of the night and my head was
pounding harder than, Chris Brown pounds his ladies and Mel Gibson pounds back
the booze.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Even though it was a particularly chilly night, I was
covered in sweat. My hair, the sheets, my pillow, everything was soaked. Everything
was sticking to me. My bed and my body were drenched in a disgusting, sort of
clear and sort of piss-colored moisture. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The room smelled like the
armpits of John Belushi’s corpse – or the armpits of Jim Belushi’s career – or the
armpits of Jim Belishi’s armpits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My body was on fire and my head was cloudy. There was a
mean spirited gymnast sporting a pair of spiked golf shoes and doing a floor
routine in my stomach. There was a mariachi band worming their way through my
intestines and a layer of magma boiling just inside the crinkled exterior of my
anus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It was hot.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Oh, damn was it hot.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My head weighed a thousand
pounds.<br />
<br />
Things were getting blurry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I needed to lower my body
temperature. I needed to lower my body temperature quickly and I needed to
lower it before my insides became my outsides. There was no time to actually
check how high my fever was – no time to think - <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I needed to lower my body temperature.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">After rolling from the bed I crawled across the floor and
into the bathroom, leaving a trail of slippery sweat behind. While sliding
awkwardly across the hardwood on my river of perspiration, I recalled something
my mother once told me about the first couple years of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">You see, as a child I was constantly coming down with
fevers. These weren’t little <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">girly</i>
fevers either. These were 104 or 105 degree fevers. These were the kind of
fevers that could grill steak and sauté brains. When this happened, apparently my
mother would have to strip me down, wrap me in cold blankets and lay me on the
kitchen table.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I didn't have enough blankets. I didn’t even really have
a table. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I had ten empty pizza boxes.<br />
<br />
That wasn’t going to work, though.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I needed
to lower my body temperature. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Grunting the entire way, I lugged my drippy
sweat-drenched flesh to the bathroom, leaned into the tub and filled it with
ice-cold water. It took some squirming to get rid of my clothes, but I did
exactly that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My penis was going to shrink to toddler size the minute I
climbed into that thing, but it was unavoidable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I tossed a military salute in the direction of my dong and
offered up a remorseful "Godspeed." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">A part of me actually expected it to answer back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My
temperature must have been off the charts because I obviously wasn’t thinking
straight.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">After five minutes in the icy drink I was starting to
feel a bit better. It was working. Sure, certain appendages were getting
frostbitten and there was a good chance that I might lose a toe or two, but
whatever. Appendages could be surgically replaced and toes were useless anyway.
At least I didn't feel like I was taking a vacation on the surface of the sun
anymore. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Just when I thought things were getting better, they got
significantly worse – because that’s the way things work for me.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Things are jerks.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Suddenly something was alive in my stomach. There was something
evil in there - something big and hairy, and nasty and scary, and something
with two tickets for the ferry. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Rhyming
is fun.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Whatever it was, it had already devoured the gymnast in
the golf shoes and it was climbing in the direction of my mouth with bad
intentions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I jerked forward so wildly you’d have thought I was possessed
by a demon. My body lurched, then recoiled, and lurched again. For an encore it
convulsed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Chunks of something that sort of, kind of, sort of
resembled the Wendy’s double cheeseburger I’d eaten earlier in the day began spilling
from my mouth like diarrhea from the fiery-hot backside of a Schnauzer. There
was bread, and there was beefy leather boot, and there were salty grease fries,
and they were all mashed together, sticky with noxious bile. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">SPLASHsPloooNNkkkkkplop! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">That’s
what it sounded like.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">A never-ending torrent of the foulest mouth gunk in the
history of mouth gunk was splashing into the water around me – plopping and
expanding, and melding with my icy surroundings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">This was what the hail looks like in hell.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">For nearly five minutes I continued to spew and gag and
reload, only to spew some more. My throat was raw. My eyes were red and my face
salty with tears. I couldn’t breathe and I honestly didn’t want to breathe. I
wanted to die. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up. I wanted to remain
exactly where I was – floating in a chilly tub of my own insides. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Like an Eskimo after a really good shit followed by a
really good screw, I was frozen, I was naked and I was empty, and I was spent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Thirty or forty minutes later <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(time had lost all meaning at that point)</i> I somehow managed to roll
out of the tub, get myself dressed and walk a few blocks to the hospital down
the road.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">For two days afterward the stench of my Dave Thomas bath
stuck to me like honey to a Pooh Bear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The doctor told me it was probably food poisoning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I told him my old pal, Dave would never do that to me.
Dave loved me and we’d been through a lot together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">He told me I was an idiot.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-36294530001356539122012-02-09T08:07:00.000-08:002012-02-24T13:19:46.814-08:00THOSE ARE JUST ACTORS, DOOFUS<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;">What do you think most normal people go to Las Vegas for?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;">Booze? Whores? Gambling? Sex? Gambling
on possible STD’s and pouring booze down the cleavage of whores? Maybe to begin
what will undoubtedly be a failed marriage?</span></span><br />
<br />
<center>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'll tell you what most <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">normal</i> people don't go to Las Vegas for: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Trek.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mr. Spock and the Vegas strip don’t necessarily go
together like peanut butter and jelly or Mel Gibson and hatred.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you’ve ever read anything that I’ve written you should
be know that I’m anything but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">normal.</i>
I’m weird, and I’m a nerd and I like nerdy things, and because of my extreme
nerdiness I've been to Las Vegas twice – specifically for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Trek.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Are you fighting the urge to give me a wedgie? Admit it.
You are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Maybe you want to dunk my head in the toilet and flush? Grab
hold of my nips and twist until you hear my flesh tear? Kick me in the scones, and
then kick me again for using the word scones? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">No problem at all. I get it. I completely understand. And
honestly, you aren't the first. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My head is quite dunkable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It's
fun watching my faux-hawk swirl.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Here’s the deal; the Hilton in Las Vegas has a little
something called "The Star Trek Experience" and its pretty much nerd
heaven. Seriously, I'm not a religious man by any means, but if there is a god
I’m guessing that he resides somewhere between the row of Next Generation mugs
and the Porthos stuffed toys in the gift shop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">This place gives me a boner that makes my Rosario Dawson
boner look like a Drew Barrymore boner by comparison – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">which is barely a boner at all.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It makes me feel like Augustus Gloop, the moment he first
waddled into Wonka's chocolate factory and began to salivate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I think I should mention that Agustus also had a boner in
the original film. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Check the Special Edition Directors Cut, pause the moment
before he topples into the chocolate and zoom in on his little shorts. You'll
see it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I want everything at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Experience</i> to be mine. I want to take it home with me, and stack it on my
desk and stare it lovingly. I want to read it, and play with it, and pop it
into my DVD player. I want to drop my pants and make sweet love to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My wife of course hates <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Experience</i> and she hates the dumb look on my face when I’m
there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Why do we have to go on that stupid ride
again?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Steven, you're not really going to spend seventy
dollars to get your picture taken in that captains chair again, are you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Can't we leave, and go see a show or something?
Maybe we can get tickets to Cirque Du Soleil?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Cirque
Du Soleil? Seriously? This woman had the nerve to suggest Cirque Du Soleil to
me? Batshit crazy. Batshit-fucking-crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She once had the gall to actually Celine Dion as a viable
substitute for all things Star Trek. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I almost hit her in the face with a brick and buried her
in the desert beside Fat Jimmy Stampanato.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It's one thing to not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"get"</i>
my weirdo obsession with all things Trek. Fine. I can understand that. Okay,
maybe not understand it as much as accept it, but still. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It's another thing entirely to suggest Celine Dion as an alternative.
That's nonsense. It’s lunacy. It's fifty steps backward, right over a cliff and
into a tank full of man eating Great Whites with lasers on their heads and
chainsaws for teeth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It’s the sort of thing that gets a happily married woman
served with a stack of divorce papers if she’s not careful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">At <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Experience</i>
they have a simulator ride called the "Borg Encounter." Before you
actually get on the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ride</i> part of the
ride, you and your group are lead through a series decently constructed sets,
while explosions go off around you and actors pretending to be Starfleet
officers play out a scenario in which the Borg are attacking the space station you’re
supposed to be on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It's petty sweet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It’s Agustus Gloop boner sweet. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Also, when the actors aren't looking I like to touch all
the fake buttons and pretend I’m firing photon torpedoes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Shut up.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> It makes me smile.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">At one point during the tour our group of space tourists was<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> huddled </i>in a cargo bay as the ship <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exploded</i> around us. Suddenly the lights went
out. My wife grabbed my arm and squeezed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">What the hell? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Was she scared?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The sound of an explosion blasted through the speakers in
the wall behind us. A cloud of smoke came rushing into the room. My wife moved
from my side and slid behind me. She buried her head in the crook of my armpit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">was </i>scared.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Holy Toledo, the doofus love of my live was honestly, no
joke-scared! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She was also using me as a human shield form the
fictional danger, but that’s whole other discussion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">A group of three guys dressed in Borg costumes slowly
began to walk through the twisted metal and billowing clouds. They were moving
in our direction and the little red laser beams on their eyes were flashing off
our touristy garbs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My wife was peeking through the crack between my armpit
and my torso like a terrified five year-old with urine running down her leg. She
was breathing fast. Sweat was pouring down her face; her nails had punctured
the flesh of my arm and were digging into the muscle underneath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She’d clearly lost her mind.
"What the hell are you doing?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"What?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"What are you doing? Are
you scared?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"N-no..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The dude’s dressed as Borg - who likely worked part time
at the best buy just outside of town - were barely ten feet away when the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"resistance is futile"</i> warning
roared from a speaker system above our heads. At least that’s what I think
happened. It sounded about as clear as the ordering window at a Burger King. My
wife ducked her head out of sight and mashed her face into the center of my
back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I chuckled. I had to. She just
looked so damn silly. "Shut up. You're really scared, aren't you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"No."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"You do know that those
are just guys in costumes, right?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"I know that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Then what’s the problem?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Well…what if their circuitry goes haywire or something?
You don't know."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Circuitry? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Wha? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Circuitry? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Screw it.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I didn’t have the energy to respond.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I may be a dork and a nerd, and
I might be a loser of the absolute highest order, and my strange man-love for
Captain Picard could be considered morally reprehensible in the eyes of the
fundamentalist Christians out there, but at least I'm not my wife.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife thinks the fake Borg
guys have</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> circuitry.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-43923952329969278922012-01-20T08:11:00.001-08:002012-02-24T13:20:16.291-08:00DEAR, MR. HUNTINGTON, I AINT’ LEARNED SHIT<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I think my mother thought I was an idiot.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In
fact, I’m pretty sure of it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was a terrible student in High School. I was failing
pretty much everything except art (including gym) and despite my mother’s
constant attempts to set me on the straight and narrow, when it came to my
schoolwork, things didn’t seem to be improving. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The problem wasn’t that I was dumb. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The problem was that I didn’t give a shit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn’t care how bad my grades were or how much worse
they would eventually get. It didn’t bother me one bit that my mother thought I
was a lazy doofus and my teachers cringed every time they saw me in the hall. It
didn’t matter that the letter “F” had become synonymous with my name and it
unfortunately had nothing to do with how much I was getting laid because the
ladies weren’t into me and I wasn’t getting laid.<br />
<br />
Unless you count the magic marker face I drew on my hand as a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“lady.”</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If
that’s the case, I got laid a lot.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<br />
I also couldn’t have cared less about college, or my future, or any of the
things people who eventually find success in life and have more than sixteen
dollars in the bank and some old comic books in their closets think about. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I honestly just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to
silently brood in my bedroom with my Nine Inch Nails albums, the stack of porn
hidden underneath my bed, and my mostly predictable teenage angst.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t a Nine Inch Nails fan.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Steven, I signed you up for some tutoring sessions at
the Huntington Learning Center.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Gulp.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In case you hadn’t figured it out already, that was her,
my mom. You see, she didn’t want me living in her house and still slogging
around in my Spider-Man boxers well into my thirties. She wasn’t quite as ready
as I was to give up on my grades and/or my future. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Jerk.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you’ve never heard of The Huntington Learning Center,
let take a moment to explain what it is. Basically the fine people at
Huntington are overly expensive tutors.
The probably have degrees and they probably know what they’re doing for
the most part. Their various degrees undoubtedly state that very fact. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Too bad their degrees didn’t mean shit to me. Their
degrees might as well have been scribbled on soiled toilet paper as far as I
was concerned. I didn’t want to learn. Unless they were teaching me fifteen
dollars (which doesn’t make any sense) for the newly released Nirvana’s
Greatest Hits album, or how to get the football team to stop kicking my ass
next to the dumpster in the school parking lot, I didn’t have any interest in
learning.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Learning was stupid. It was annoying too. I had Marilyn
Manson lyrics to angrily listen to and marker-lady fists to screw.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Learning
could kiss my ass.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I considered telling my mother that I wouldn’t go, but
she tossed her <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“your dumb ass is going no
matter what” </i>look my way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There
was no getting out of it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Keep in mind that I was a freshman in High School at the
time. I didn’t have a car, or the prospect of a car, or a bike, or even a
decent public transportation system, or legs long enough to carry the weight of
my pudgy torso more than fifty feet before collapsing. Since Huntington was in
the next town over, I had to order myself a short bus to take drive me there,
drop me off and pick me up twice a week.<br />
<br />
I’d get home from school, call myself a bus and arrive at Huntington a mere
forty-five minutes later.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It wasn’t all bad though.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Hi, Steven! How’s everything going today?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was my main tutor-lady. She was young-ish, and she
was overly perky, (I’m not referring to her personality) and she was always
wearing low cut blouses. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">See?
There’s always a silver lining.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As much as I appreciated her attire, I actually sort of
hated the fact that she was assigned to me. I wanted someone old – maybe
someone with four or five big-ass warts on her face, and glasses, and boobs so
droopy she could tuck them into her bloomers. I wanted someone who might have
went for an orgasm ride on Lincoln’s beard.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Embarrassed, I mumbled something vaguely resembling the
word “fine.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I bothered me that my Huntington lady thought I was a
dummy. Not that I ever had a chance of getting into her tutor-britches or
anything. And it certainly didn’t bother me enough to buckle down and focus on
my studies to impress her.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It still bothered me, though.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Math was first on the agenda during my visits. My<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> boober-</i>or, um, I mean<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> tutor,</i> would get out her little
workbook, spend fifteen or twenty minutes going over some problems with me, and
eventually slide a test in my direction. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At least, I think that’s what happened. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My eyeballs were busy rolling around in the heft of her
cleavage like a pig in shit the entire time. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It’s
possible I’m not remembering things exactly right.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<br />
After I inevitably bombed the test, we’d discuss what I did wrong and when that
was over I’d grab my climbing gear and repel down the curvature of her <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oh so creamy</i> left breast like a beard-toting
Swiss climber scaling the alps.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Actually
no. That was a lie.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Truthfully we just moved onto writing. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The writing section of my Huntington adventure was
basically more of the same. BouncyTutor McJiggleChest would get out a workbook,
we’d go over some stuff, and she’d leave me to take a test. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In this case, however, the term <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“take a test”</i> actually means <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“watch
her hips sway as she walked away while living the drool from my lips.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you’re thinking that I sound like the worlds biggest
pervert, lay off. I was barely fifteen at the time. Like most fifteen year-old
boys, I had been cursed with an erection that wouldn’t die. There wasn’t any
blood going to my brain. The blood had bought a condo on the beach down south.
It adopted dog from the local pound and it made some friends, and it had
already changed the billing address on its credit cards. It wasn’t going
anywhere. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At
least not until I hit my thirties.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">ButterCheeks McNippleShirt returned fifteen minutes
later. “Okey dokey, let’s have a look, shall we?” She bounced when she sat
down. My heat fluttered.<br />
<br />
Did I say heart?<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I meant wiener.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As she started to scan my answers she shook her head,
sighed a sigh of absolute defeat and began making checkmarks. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Halfway through, she stopped.<br />
<br />
The hypnotic ripples in her chest meat disappeared.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Her head lifted. Her jaw locked and her eyes narrowed.
She bared her teeth and coiled her fingers into a fist. “Really?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She looked pissed. I’d never seen her look pissed before,
but she looked pissed.<br />
<br />
I wasn’t sure why. “What?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MassiveOrbs McSilkyUdders spun my answers around and slid
them across the table with a frustrated growl. At first, I didn’t notice
anything wrong. Everything looked normal. My answers were brief, and they were
wrong, and she had put a checkmark by every one of them. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then I got to question eight.<br />
<br />
My answer to question eight was “Boobs.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Damn
it.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<br />
May answer to question nine was “Tits.”<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Double damn it.</i><br />
<br />
My answer to question ten was “Nips.”<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fuck my life.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn’t even know I was writing it. I swear I didn’t! It
was my penis blood! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It was that damn
penis blood I tell you!</i> My penis blood had hopped in a Winnebago and taken
a surprise vacation north to visit some family, where it threw a party, got
everyone drunk and trashed my brain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AngryTutor McPissedOff called my mother and sent me home.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was decided by both parties that maybe The Huntington
Learning Center wasn’t exactly the place I needed to be.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn’t learn a damn thing during my brief stint at Mr.
Huntington’s House of Plentiful Knockers and Tiny Shirts - unless you count the
new masturbation fodder.<br />
<br />
<i>You probably don’t, though.</i></span></span></div>
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-32333331934985360332012-01-12T08:38:00.000-08:002012-01-12T08:39:11.404-08:00LEPRECHAUN PERVERTS AND LADY POKING<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">It started out like any other Tuesday morning - and by
that I mean, like shit.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The alarm clock went off at 7:00 and my half asleep, half
awake, half pissed off ass crawled out of bed and stumbled like a rum-soaked,
Karlof-legged mummy to the bathroom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">And yes, before you say anything, I am fully aware that
the universal concepts of math make the idea of three halves impossible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My response is simple: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fuck you.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">At 7:00 in the morning two plus two can equal fifty-forty,
eight minus nine can equal plurdteen and Dane Cook can be the funniest comic in
the history of stand-up for all I care. <br />
<br />
At 7:00 in the morning the impossible becomes possible and until my bladder is
emptied the possible becomes the truth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When I entered the bathroom I clicked on the light,
looked into the mirror and nearly dropped a shockload into my Spiderman boxers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Oh
crap.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">My chest, face, and legs were covered in peanut shaped,
light-pink spots. I pulled out the waistband of my boxers and checked on my
little buddy. For the most part he seemed okay. Unfortunately the area
surrounding him was covered in the splotchy red weirdness as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Oh poop.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When I went to bed the night before I looked perfectly
normal and I woke up resembling a male version of little orphan Annie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Oh
sheet.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I returned to the bedroom and nudged my wife. When she
didn't move my nudge transformed into a shove and I nearly rolled her off the
bed. This got her attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Is it just me, or am I
covered in spots?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Half awake, half asleep, and half annoyed, she reluctantly
crawled out of bed and asked me to step into the light of the bathroom to
confirm what I was seeing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Her index finger reached forward and poked me in the
chest. "Yeah. Yeah, it looks like you are." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When she was done poking me, she poked me again. Her eyes
narrowed and her nose scrunched. I swear she looked like she was examining some
sort of weird half-dead hobo corpse stumbled onto in an alley. "You know
what Steven, we should take you to the emergency room."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Emergency
room? </span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I didn’t like the sound of that. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'm not a huge fan of doctors and I’m even less a fan of
the word emergency. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"You think? I don't know…"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Steven, come on…this
isn't normal. You need to have it looked at."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Her lips curled and she started poking me again. A part
of me expected her to disappear into the other room and return wearing one of
those giant white suits with the gas masks for the face. You know, the ones
those sons of bitches that killed E.T. wore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Damn
E.T. killing assholes! Why could you see that the little bastard just wanted to
get home!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I insisted on taking an extremely quick shower and then called
work to tell them I was heading to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">emergency
room</i>. Fifteen minutes later we were there. An hour after that I was sitting
on one of those annoying crunchy, paper-covered tables with my shirt off, while
the doctor examined the spots on my chest much the way my wife had earlier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Under normal circumstances I think it might have been
sort of hot to have two women poking at me while shirtless before 9:00 in the
morning. Unfortunately these weren’t normal circumstances.<br />
<br />
Plus they were both fully dressed at the time – and seemed a bit grossed out by
me - and had no interest in pleasuring my genitals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
really wish more women had interest in pleasuring my genitals. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Actually, I found myself fighting the urge to pop both of
my poke-happy ladies in their respective jaws and let them discover what teeth
taste like when they’re rolling around in your mouth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The doctor’s eyes narrowed a bit behind her glasses. She
shook her head and sighed. "Hm. Give me a second. I'll be right
back."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She returned a few minutes later and he shot me up with
something while explaining that I was having an allergic reaction to the
penicillin I’d been given the day before. This was strange, because until that
very moment I’d never been allergic to penicillin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">In my head, I blamed my wife. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'm not sure why. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Maybe it was because I was pissed off about the entire
situation, or maybe it was because of her shifty, shifty eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She
knows she has shifty eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m not
saying anything she doesn’t already know.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The doctor left the room again, but not before telling me
that I needed to remain where I was for fifteen or so minutes so they could
monitor me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The moment she was gone some pretty white clouds fluffed
to life on the interior walls of my eyes. The world turned wobbly. The walls
bent like a droopy wiener and the floor wrinkled like chilly nutsack. My
breaths felt deeper. They were more airy. A clown danced into the room,
attached a tube to my head, and began to fill my brain with helium. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It tickled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Within minutes I was swaying back and forth like a doped
up slacker at a Phish concert. A crooked smile stretched itself across my face.
If I’d known any Peter Paul and Mary songs, I might have started to sing them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Apparently, whatever the doc
shot me up with was taking effect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I was feeling good. I was feeling really good and I was
enjoying it. I felt so good that if a three hundred and fifty pound guy calling
himself “Stabber” would have raped me on the floor like a bitch lifer in a
prison shower, I might have been okay with it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
Hell, I might have even enjoyed it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Suddenly nothing mattered. Suddenly everything was
pretty. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Suddenly even my wife’s eyes didn't seem so shifty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">After another fifteen minutes the ladyDoc told my wife it
was okay to take me home. She also gave us a prescription, which we decided to
drop off at the Walgreens a block away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When we pulled into the parking lot my wife tried to convince
me that I needed to wait in the car. I insisted that I go in. I really wanted to
step outside and get a look at all the pretty new colors in the sky. I also
wanted to figure out if there really was a unicorn on fire darting in and out
of the clouds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Poor stupid unicorn - I bet a leprechaun lit him up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Leprechaun’s
are jerks.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The girl at the prescription counter took my information
and started typing something in the computer. I thought this was hilarious. She
stopped for a minute and looked at me like I was from another planet - or one
of those creepy thirty-five year old, mother of three Twilight fans with Bella
tattooed on one arm and Edward on the other.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Is he okay?"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'm not sure why, but I also found her question
hilarious. In my drugged addled state the prescription woman seemed as funny as
Louis C.K. She was cracking me up. In no time at all I was laughing and I was
laughing loudly. Not only that, but I couldn’t stop. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It was getting out of hand and it was more than a little
weird. The prescription lady was getting uncomfortable. My laughter was like flying
a kite at night, or eating a bowl of Captain Crunch with soymilk. It was
unnatural and it was gross. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Laughter on the level of the laughter pouring from my
mouth hadn’t been heard since Charles Nelson Riley and Bret Butler were
regulars on Match Game.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Or,
wait. No. Maybe that wasn’t the best example.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Once our business with the girl behind the counter was
done, my wife dragged her chuckling idiot of a husband from the store by his
arm and shoved him into the car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The flaming unicorn was gone from the sky.<br />
<br />
The leprechaun’s were roasting him over a fire in the parking lot of the Target
across the way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Damn
leprechaun assholes.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">On the way home I looked at my wife and playfully nudged
her shoulder. “Hey you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Hey what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I nudged her again, smacked my lips and rolled my tongue
across them awkwardly. "You know what? When we get home, we should totally
screw. Howzabout it? Wanna screw?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She looked at my peanut spotted
skin and my faraway stare and the drool dripping off my chin, and rolled her
eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I have a feeling a part of her
wished that she;d just let me go to work - even if it meant me dying.<br />
<br />
When she didn’t screw me, I screwed the leprechaun’s instead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Leprechauns are such perverts.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-86850203528270371522011-12-16T08:53:00.000-08:002011-12-16T08:53:31.587-08:00THE ANGRY DUDE IN MY STOMACH IS NAMED BIFF<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I love pizza.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I say that I love pizza, I
mean, I really love it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love it so much I want to
drop my pants, slide out of my undies and make sweet, sweet love to it.<br />
<br />
When I’m done making love to it, I want to screw it.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pizza likes it rough too.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pizza is better than winning
the lottery. It’s better than Star Trek and it’s better than Star Trek: The
Next Generation. Pizza is better than mom’s homemade apple pie. It’s better
than winning the Superbowl, and it’s a hell of a lot better than winning the
U.S. Open. Pizza is better than crack and cocaine, and it’s better than
butter-soaked biscuits and jam resting on the tanned buttocks of a bikini-clad
Rosario Dawson. Pizza is better than oral sex.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wait, scratch that and revise.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pizza is better than an hour-long session of oral sex skillfully
administered by three women at once, all of whom have been trained, tested and
universally certified in the fine art of oral sex.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This story is about one night, with one pizza from a nearby
joint called, Rosito’s.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’d swallowed the last of the deliciously gooey slices
thirty minutes prior and unfortunately, something was wrong. The cheesy
goodness wasn't quite sitting right. My stomach felt twisted. It was moving and
morphing, and wrenching and tying itself into knots, and it was doing it
slowly. My insides were belching and my backside was puffing. The awful
sensation sloshing inside my knotted stomach was slowly progressing upward. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was heading for the light of my mouth. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife noticed my discomfort and managed to pull her
attention from what I’m sure was a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fantastic</i>
episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashins long enough to make sure I wasn’t
dying. "Steven, are you all right?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There was a pissed off little person trapped in my belly.
His name was Biff. He was wearing overalls, a hard hat, and he was working a
jackhammer against my slippery, boiling interior while smoking a comically
oversized cigar and letting the ashes pool in my stomach acids. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course I wasn’t all right.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was
nowhere near all right.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s a little-known fact that three-foot tall dude’s
named Biff are undoubtedly the angriest three-foot tall people of all. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You can
take that to the bank.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In between a stingy hot series of acid-soaked belches, I
managed to tell my wife that I was going to hop in the shower. I needed to do
something, anything. I was feeling light-headed and I could taste the metal
aftermath of bile across the surface of my tongue. I thought maybe the water
would make me feel better. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It made
sense in my head.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wobbled into the bathroom, turned on the water, slid
out of my clothes and hopped in. At first it was working. The water felt good.
It was warm and it gave me something else to focus on. I leaned my head against
the tile, closed my eyes and tried my damndest to relax. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I swallowed a mouthful of water and let in land on Biff's
head. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He'd been working the night shift. He was grimy, he was
coated in the scent of cigar smoke, and he was in desperate need of a shower. I
thought he might appreciate it. For a moment, the gruff old bastard laid down
his jackhammer and stopped chopping away at my insides.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I sighed and smiled. I’d done it.<br />
<br />
Everything was going to be okay.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Or was
it?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fresh and clean, energized and ready to roll, Biff popped
another stogie into his mouth and lit it up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everything
wasn’t going to be okay. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My insides flipped. My stomach exploded and something
that smelled like fried death popped like an over-inflated sex doll from
between my lips. Less than a second later my insides were sprinting toward my
mouth. A of river bile was shooting upward, chunks of pizza cheese and sloppy
dough mixed like spawning salmon among the waves. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I keeled over. I couldn’t help it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. Choice
and thought were a thing of the past. This was reaction and nothing else. I was
at the mercy of the Biff and his jackhammer, and the volcano of nastiness frothing
within.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mouth opened and began to spray.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was lumpy liquid awful. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In mere seconds I’d transformed into a pasty, naked,
fire-breathing dragon. My throat heaved and my mouth erupted. Chunks of four
different cheeses, perfectly seasoned dough, and a very hush, hush secret
tomato sauce passed through my lips and spurt in every direction. It coated the
walls. It coated the glass of the shower doors in orange-red globs. It was a
Dexter Morgan Blood splatter. It was a Rorschach created by the devil himself. What
didn’t cascade onto my feet ricocheted off the porcelain and stuck to the hairs
on my chest. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly I was standing in it. I was wearing it like an
awards dress even Lady GaGa would shake her head and gawk at. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I tried to make it stop. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I tried willing it to stop. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
failed. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sloppy, meaty chunks of steaming, partially digested
mozzarella piled between my toes. They mixed with the spraying water and cascaded
back against me. I was bathing in it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Tears pouring down my face, I covered my mouth with my
hand in a desperate attempt to make it stop. This accomplished nothing. The
devil puke squeezed through the spaces between my fingers. It would not be
denied. It was the Terminator and Robocop, and the Predator all mixed together.
It was It was tougher then Lieutenant Marion “Cobra” Cobretti and at wouldn’t
be stopped. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For nearly three minutes I continued to gag and spew, and
stand in my toasty warm insides. When it was finally over, my legs gave way and
I dropped to my knees in the steaming aftermath. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There was a knock at the door. "Steven? Are you
okay?" <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was my wife - my goddamn wife, late to the show wife. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Steven?" I tried to tell her not to open the
door. I tried to warn her, but a wad of half dissolved cheese the size of a
testicle lodged in my throat made it impossible.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The instant she stepped into the bathroom the sickening
acid odor hit her nose. It shot into her stomach, then back into her mouth and
into her belly once again like a demonic game of pong. At some point during the
journey the awful scent triggered her gag reflex.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A moment later she was keeled over and hacking as well.
Her hacking succeeded in furthering my own, and my hacking was doing the same
to her. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She was
useless to me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The whole thing was moronic. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was stupid.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back and forth we traded gags and coughs, and belched
with our eyes closed and our hands over our mouths. She kept insisting that she
needed to help and I keep insisting that she get the hell out of the room. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The air smelled like the unwashed ass - like the
underside of Rachel’s Ray’s boobs after a sweat-drenched trip to the gym, or
her recipe for Lasagna Florentine. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unable to stand it any longer, my wife crawled from the
bathroom and slammed the door behind her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was happy to have her gone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I spent the next twenty minutes cleaning up my own filth.
I soaked my feet, popped open a bottle of body wash and dumped onto my head. I
lathered my legs and soaped my chest and scrubbed my various patches of
cheese-sticky body hair. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I scooped a piece of half-digested cheese from underneath
my balls. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When my body had been fully sanitized, I went to work on
the tub itself. I scrubbed the walls and the basin, all while trying my
damnedest to keep Biff from getting riled up again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I returned to the bedroom, I dropped to the bed and closed
my eyes. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife placed hand on my shoulder, "Is there
anything I can do to help?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It took everything I had not to punch her in the tit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The next morning she found a dried up piece of stomach
cheese on the bathroom floor that I’d somehow missed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She started hacking.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I felt a little bit better.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-1313449743890726412011-12-09T08:40:00.001-08:002011-12-09T10:38:21.079-08:00I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A LOGGER, I THINK<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">"Can we ride again?"</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No, sorry. You'll have to
get back in line."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"But there's only like fifteen people in line! Come
on, big guy. Let us go one more time. Be a pal. What’s it gonna hurt?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm, sorry. You'll have
to get back in line."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“You know what? Fuck it. Fuck you too! This is so fucking
stupid! There's no one in line and you're gonna make us get out and walk all
the way around in order to ride again? Are you fucking nuts? Gimmie a
break!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm sorry, sir."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No you’re not. If you were sorry you’d just let us
stay in the Goddamn boat! This is so stupid! It’s fucking insane! Come on kids,
the asshole is going to make us get off and walk all the way around to get back
on."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm sorry I've set a bad example for your
children."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Excuse me?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was the sort of nonsense I had to deal with on a
daily basis while gainfully employed as a ride operator at Six Flags Great
America in Gurnee, Illinois.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The ride I was assigned to was called, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Loggers Run.</i> It was a water ride. Employees were required to call it by its technical name however: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Flumes.</i> I’m still not entirely sure what the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">flumes</i> means, or where it comes from originally,
and honestly I don’t even care enough to take thirty seconds and Google it. I
can't think of one single instance in which I've had use for it outside of my
time at Great America, anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not once. Not ever.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe it would work in a foreplay situation? You know,
something like; “Baby I'm gonna do you good with this here flume of mine.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
<br />
Yeah, probably not.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Flume
isn’t a very a sexy word. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
word dong is sexier – and dong isn’t very sexy at all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, every morning I was expected to arrive at Six
Flags at least forty-five (unpaid) minutes early. I needed the extra time to make
my way “backstage,” get to my locker, order up a fresh costume, get dressed and
make my way to the opposite side of the park where my ride was. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The costume in question, for those of us <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lucky</i> enough to be stationed on The
Loggers Run, was basically a pair of jeans so crazily tight that they not only made
even the simplest movements impossible, but also put the baby elephant trunk
and marbles on display for anyone sneaking a glance. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I also had to slide into a brown shirt made of an odd feltly
(which isn’t a word) material, with an oversized collar and a neckline that
plunged so deep it exposed far more of my doughy, sporadically-haired chest
area than anyone wanted exposed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don’t get me wrong, the shirt looked bonkers great on the
female employees – so great it made wearing those tight jeans all the more
difficult. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It might have even worked on a muscular dude. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t
make judgments.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Putting my man boobs on display was a terrible idea though.
It’s always been a terrible idea and it’ll always be a terrible idea. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>My moobs are like religious cults and the Kardashians. </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The thing about working at Great America (and I imagine
this the same at all theme parks) is that people in the park have paid large
sums of money for their tickets, and because of that they seem to think they
own the damn place.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dropping fifty bucks doesn’t make you a king and it sure
as shit doesn’t give you the right to act like an idiot. Sorry. It just
doesn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dropping a thousand bucks doesn’t give you that right. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dropping a million bucks might.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let’s test it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Someone drop me a million bucks and treat me like shit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The question I was most
commonly asked while working was, "Can we ride again?“ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My answer was always, "No,
I'm sorry, you'll have to get back in line."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The response to my no was usually something along the
lines of, "That's a fucking stupid policy! Come on! Just let us ride
again! It’s not gonna hurt anything! Don’t be such a little prick, you little
prick fuck!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, maybe there wasn’t so many “pricks” or “fucks,” but
you get my point.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This happened every day - for eleven hours a day –
nonstop. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was nauseating.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Working at Six Flags was a marathon. It required
fortitude of will and an uncanny ability to keep my emotions at bay. I was
constantly fighting the urge to grab every one of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ride again</i> idiots by their shirt collars and scream in their faces,
“I make seven dollars an hour! Seven measly dollars!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I pictured myself squeezing their necks until their eyes bulged
and their faces began to turn as purple and blue as the tip of a penis moments
before release.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I imagined myself knocking them to the ground, lifting my
boot and stomping it into their groin. “I don’t make decisions, you moron! I
make seven dollars an hour to not make decisions! If I let you get on that
boat, I get fired, and if I get fired I make zero dollars an hour!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wanted to wrap my fingers
around their necks one more time, and squeeze until my knuckles turned white. I
wanted to squeeze so hard their heads exploded and their brain matter fell from
the heavens like rain.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It would have been so beautiful and freeing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It would have been the end of The Shawshank Redemption brought to
life in Gurnee, Illinois.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For example, take the conversation I was having with this
large 240, 250lb guy at the beginning of this story. The guy's boat had just
pulled into the station with himself, a woman I assumed was his wife, and his
two kids sitting behind. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had about ninety seconds once a boat pulled into the
station, to get the old riders out and the new riders in before it cycled and
was shot out of the loading area.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This guy was going to push that ninety seconds to the
max.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Can we ride again?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No, sorry. You'll have to
get back in line."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"But there's only like fifteen people in line! Come
on, big guy. Let us go one more time. Be a pal. What’s it gonna hurt?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm, sorry. You'll have
to get back in line."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“You know what? Fuck it. Fuck
you too! This is so fucking stupid! There's no one in line and you're gonna
make us get out and walk all the way around in order to ride again? Are you fucking
nuts? Gimmie a break!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm sorry, sir."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No you’re not. If you were sorry you’d just let us
stay in the Goddamn boat! This is so stupid! It’s fucking insane! Come on kids,
the asshole is going to make us get off and walk all the way around to get back
on."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm sorry I've set a bad example for your
children."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Excuse me?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was being a smart ass. I knew I was doing it and I
didn’t care. The end of my rope had been reached and it was slathered in
grease. I was sick of climbing. I didn’t even want to hold on anymore. Maybe I
should have just kept my mouth shut, but it had been a particularly long and
especially annoying day. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I blame
the Warner Bros. Corporation more than myself on this one.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Did you just say that I'm setting a bad example for
my children? Because I haven't done anything wrong here, you're the jackass who
won't let my family ride again even though there’s no one in line!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The guy’s kids and wife had already got out of the boat.
They were heading for the exit to and yet this guy refused to move. He was
sitting there, soaking wet, and arguing with a sixteen year-old kid about
something the kid obviously had no control over.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His wife grabbed him by the arm.
"Come on Fred. Just forget about it. Let's go." Fred shucked her away.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His face redder than the rear end of a well-spanked gimp,
AngryFred slammed his hand on the front of the boat. "No! Who does this
little prick think he is? I'm not forgetting about anything!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His boat was rapidly nearing the halfway point. My
supervisor noticed there was a problem and decided to intervene. "Is there
a problem here, sir?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yes there's a fucking problem! All my family and I
wanted to do was ride again and this little dickface won't let us!”<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dickface?<br />
</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I always thought I was more of a vagina
face, myself.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Plus he's giving me lip! This is what I paid good money
for? Really?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As Foul-MouthedFred screamed at my supervisor (who was
seventeen years-old) I noticed that his boat was nearing the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Critical Loading Point.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ooh.
Sounds dangerous, doesn’t it?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Basically, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Critical
Loading Point</i> was the spot at which we were no longer allowed to
load <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">guests</i> on the boat because they
might slip and fall, and possibly die. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Or worse, they might slip and fall, and possibly sue.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">StubbornFred was intent on remaining exactly where he
was. He wasn’t going anywhere. This was his battle for the day and damn it, he
was going to win it! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He motioned for his kids to hop in the boat with him and
barked, "Danny! Jessie! Get back in, we're going on again!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">His wife buried her head in her hands, grabbed the little
girl (who I assume was Jessie) by her wrist and headed for the exit. Though he
looked terrified, Danny hopped in the boat alongside his father moments before
it left the loading station. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fred assumed he’d won. He believed he’d beaten the sixteen year-old punk with the
smart mouth, and the sixteen year-old punk's seventeen year-old supervisor in
their disgustingly low shirts and super-tight jeans. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was proud. It was his greatest accomplishment. It was
something to tell the boys at work about and it was going to make a bonkers-fantastic
story at the next Bar-B-Queue.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was excited and he was happy, he was laughing his ass
off. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">StupidFred leaned over and gave his son a pre-ride
noogie. He pumped his fist and readied himself to get soaked again!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was getting his fifty bucks
worth! Rules and common sense, and basic human decency had been tossed out the
window and he couldn’t have cared less!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was the defining moment in
Fred’s life - until I hit the ride stop button and a huge steel wall popped in
front of his boat, anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He wasn’t going anywhere.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fred immediately turned to me. He leaned out of the boat,
pointed a finger in my direction and screamed, "Fuck you! Fuck you,
asshole!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">People are nuts.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's as simple as that.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-21623535120235894862011-11-09T09:55:00.000-08:002011-11-09T09:56:47.190-08:00ME VS. BABY: WINNER TAKE ALL<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I hate kids.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b> </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay,
maybe </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>hate</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> isn't exactly the correct
term. I shouldn’t say that I </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>hate</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">
them. I'm just completely disgusted by them, and the poop in their pants, and
their goo-covered fingers, and their bizarre, crooked, no-toothed grins.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If by chance we ever meet, and you happen to bring your kid
along don’t be upset if show very little interest at all in it. Don’t take it
personally. It's not that I think your kid in particular is gross as much as it
is that I think all kids are gross. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There’s a reason I paid a doctor to take a scalpel to my nuts
up in my early twenties and it sure as hell wasn't because I adore tiny,
useless bags of chubandspitandcrap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the off chance that you find my dislike of wide-eyed,
foul smelling, sticky-fingered human beings confusing, let me take this
opportunity to at least explain myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One day my wife and I stopped by her aunt’s house briefly
to say hello and get a good look at the new addition to the family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"The babies here! Come
over and see the baby!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Ohmygawd the baby will be here
for a few hours! Hurry up and come look!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Baby! Come see the baby!
Come see now!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“HOLY SHIT! YOU’VE GOTTA SEE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING BABY!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These are the kind of phone calls my wife gets on a
regular basis and believe it or not she’s actually excited when she gets them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Personally,
I don't get it. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The kid doesn't walk. The kid can't talk. The kid can't
sing me a song, or tell me a story. It can't chat with me about comics, or
music, or make useless small talk about the weather, or pretend to be
interested in any of the mostly pointless nonsense that spews from my mouth.
The kid can’t really do anything other than poop. It can poop and it can drool,
and when it’s done doing that it can poop and drool some more - right on top of
the previous poop and drool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe I am missing something or maybe my soul is too
black and my brain too jaded, but babies in general seem pretty damn useless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess it's just me. It has to be, right? Why else would there be so many people on the planet - you know, other than the fact that people really like sex and really hate to cover their dongs in latex?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even if it is, that doesn't necessarily make me wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Call me
when you can help me with my taxes at the end of the year. Until then, good
luck with that whole diarrhea diaper thing. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, I was sitting on the couch next to my wife’s
cousin – who was also the father of the little bundle of joy - and he has the squirming,
fleshy creep show in his arms. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did I forget to mention that he’d just announced to the
room that the kid had in fact, shit her britches?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wonderful.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With this bit of knowledge in my head, I notice that the
baby is looking right at me. She was starring at me with a peculiar sort of
smile on her face. She's was looking me over and scanning me for weaknesses.
The little jerk was planning something. Something flashed behind those dead
blue eyes – inspiration maybe – undoubtedly nefarious in nature.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She knew exactly what she was going to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She knew that the shimmery dollop of slobber on her mouth
and the bulge of compacted crap ballooning her diaper was freaking me out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh
yeah, she knew.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With a bubbly, baby food smelling gurgle, she began
crawling toward me. In no time at all the horizontal crawl turned vertical.
Suddenly she was climbing up me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Within seconds she was a mere three inches from my face,
leaning wobbly on my shoulder on her stubby legs. Her blank eyes latched onto
mine. Her mouth opened and a river of spittle rolled over her chin. Her soaked
lips curled into a crooked smile. Here expression was undeniable. Without ever
saying a word she was telling me, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"I've
got you now, you uncomfortable pathetic loser."<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And she was right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The river of mucus drool was hanging perilously from her
chin, swaying back and forth as she wobbled on uneven legs and glistening in the
light from the window behind us. I had to get rid of it. I needed it removed
from my field of vision before my brain exploded inside my skull. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Breathing heavily, I snagged the sleeve of her little
baby suit and used it to wipe her face clean. "You um…you got a little
something there, don't ya? Yeah, let me help you out with that."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mission accomplished.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While I felt slightly less queasy, the poop remained, encased
in her diaper and smeared against her baby-soft butt cheeks. I could smell it.
It was pungent and it was foul and it was permeating the air. A crash, or a
call, or something drew the attention of her father for the moment. My mind was
too preoccupied with the bouncing bag of crab dangling from my shoulder to know
for sure.<br />
<br />
He stood from the couch. “Crap. Can you watch her for a minute?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wanted to grab him by the wrist, toss him to the floor
and kick him square in the scones! What was he thinking? I wanted to watch his
kid about as much as I wanted to sit though a weekend long retrospective of the
collected films of Michael Bay!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The kid’s hand moved unexpected to my face and I froze. She
was pawing at my cheek and poking me in the eye with the tips of her sticky
fingers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
balls on this kid! <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The unmitigated
gall! <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She was blatantly invading my personal space! She was touching
and slapping and, and looking me right in the eyes and doing it with a devilish
grin so devilish that Beelzebub himself would have blushed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The nerve!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The absolute moxie!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was moments from screaming when her father returned to
the couch, scooped her up and pulled her away. He tossed her over his shoulder
and carried her to the next room to clean the feces from her flesh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She was smiling at me the entire time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While I can’t be for sure, I think she might have even
given me the finger.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The audacity.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get</i>
babies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I never have and I never will. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t understand the allure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They are essentially human beings who mumble, cry and
crap their own pants. I don’t even particularly care for human beings that
don’t do any of that stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You know what they call homeless guys on the street who
do the same thing? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They call them crazy people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As a society we’ve made it a point to catch crazy people
and toss them into mental institutions, and deservedly so. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It should never be acceptable for human beings of any
age, to stew in their own still-warm feces – even if they happen to be involved
in some sort of feces-stewing competition or something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Speaking of which, if such a thing exists, it really
shouldn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Please don’t let it exist.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-69200780435431759912011-10-21T09:03:00.000-07:002011-10-21T09:03:42.572-07:00I WAS A TRENDSETTER<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was about eight years
old. I was in my bedroom with my friends Derek and Andy and we were discussing the
things pre-pubescent boys most commonly discuss. You know, the three B's: baseball, basketball, and boobies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not necessarily in that order.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now that I think of it,
more often than not two of the B's would be completely overlooked and the brunt
of the conversation would focus on the third.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Boobs or Michael Jordan?
Breasts or Mark McGwire?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tits or Chicago
Bulls journeyman, Craig Hodges? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Michael Jordan was a hell
of a player and his rookie card is worth a bundle, but I can't bury my face in
between him, shake my head side to side and blow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, maybe I could. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why would I want to though?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mother opened the door
unexpectedly, "Steven, don't you think it's about time your friends went
home? It's getting late."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Aw, come on, Ma!
Right now?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yes Steven, right
now. Come on guys, it's time for you to head on home."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Geez mom! This
sucks! Why do you have to be such a jerk! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH!"</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">FARSH? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did I say FARSH? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What the hell is FARSH?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mother looked at me
like I was an idiot. Like I was a monkey tossing his feces around at the zoo.
Like I was some helmet wearing special day student with a mouthful of paste and
glitter and safety scissors. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m thinking it’s the very same look people give Madonna
whenever she asks them what they thought of her performance in, Evita.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Under normal
circumstances my mother might have been mad at me for calling her a jerk, but
the whole <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"FARSH"</i> thing at
the end threw her for a loop. She wasn’t mad so much as confused – confused and
maybe a little disappointed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You're no doubt
wondering, just as she was, what the hell <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>
was supposed to mean and why I said it? Well, here’s the deal. When I was a kid,
I not only created a word, but I popularized that word among my friends and
even people who I didn't consider my friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That word was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>
was huge. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> was popular and
everyone in the world was using <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH.</i>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course, when you're
eight the whole <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“world”</i> is little
more than the town you live in and the school you attend, but whatever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>
was awesome and I was awesome for creating it. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>was exactly the kick in the pants our little town needed. It
was revolutionary. It was an epidemic. It changed everything it touched and
touched everything it changed. It wasn’t just an idea – it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the</i> idea. It was the very definition of
the word idea. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>caught on
quicker than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"That's Hot,"</i> a
few years back, and in my own little way I was cooler than Paris Hilton.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You know, without the
parties, or the money, or the drugs, or the constant television coverage, or
the horrible movies and the sort of scary, sort of hilarious sex tape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, and without me being
a complete idiot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was only a partial idiot.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been typing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> in caps because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> wasn't so much spoken, as it was
screamed. In order to use FARSH correctly, one was expected to belt it with
every ounce of breath they could muster. It was also required that the person
screaming <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> make an entirely
random gesture to work alongside. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Almost anything was
acceptable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I personally liked to
tilt my head to the right and pucker my lips like Angelina Jolie as drawn by
Tex Avery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>
had no specific meaning. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> was
beyond such frivolities. It could express anger. It could express happiness. It
could express confusion. If an exclamation point had a specific sound, that
sound would be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the time, I was proud
of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>
was my greatest achievement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Everyone was using <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH,</i> and they all knew where exactly
where <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>had originated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>was
big. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>was
real big.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>was
John Holmes big.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started flashing around
the fact that I created <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH </i>to anyone
within earshot. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> was like an
expensive car, or a gold record, or a mansion, or an oversized dong. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> was all of them combined. The boys
were jealous of me because of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>'s
existence and the girls loved me for the very same reason.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I could have stolen
kisses from any of the eight year-old girls on the playground. I was king shit.
I had my pick of the litter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was on top of the
world. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">FARSH!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m just wonderig if anyone else is getting sick
of me typing the word FARSH so much?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cause you should be.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly, one day in math
class everything changed. Like all great things, even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> had to end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The downfall of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> began with my math teacher, Mr.
Anderson. Mr. Anderson was one of those young teachers who liked to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“get through”</i> to his students by
lowering himself to their level and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"mixing
it up.”</i> He was the kind of teacher that would work in timely Ninja
Turtle'esque words like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"radical,"
</i>or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"awesome,"</i> into his
lessons - pretty much anything to get his kids to learn long division.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One day Anderson walked
into class, dropped his case on his desk, and straightened his tie. "Are
you guys ready to buckle down and get to some serious math today?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course no one was. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Noticing that the
response from his class was less than energetic he made the choice to play the
cool-guy card. "Radical! I want you guys to get out your homework, pass it
up front and then we'll get to the fun stuff! Farsh!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You've got to be kidding me. Did Anderson just say
FARSH?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
FARSH?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He did! That douche bag just blurted out my FARSH!
And he didn't even do it right! <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He lame-o'ed the hell out of my FARSH! Damn it! <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">FARSH!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the math teacher
uses a cool word, the coolness factor of that word immediately plummets into
the soil, digs its way to the center of the earth and eventually resurfaces
somewhere around Australia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Australia - they always
get the cool stuff when it’s no longer cool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>
went from epic win to epic fail in less time than it took for the world to
forget that Michael Jackson’s nickname was actually, Molesty McMolseterson. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The very instant <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i> was played out, so was I. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hungry for the spotlight,
I attempted to start up a new cool word - tried to catch lightening in a bottle
just one more time. The word was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAMMY</i>.
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAMMY </i>was basically used exactly like
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">FARSH</i>. There was a simultaneous
funny-face thing attached to it and a weird hand gesture hand thing and there
was even some screaming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the end, well, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAMMY</i> was just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAMMY</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAMMY</i> never
caught on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I looked like an idiot
whenever I used <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SAMMY</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, I’m going to
stop capitalizing sammy. Sammy doesn’t deserve a caps lock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was a one hit wonder. I
was Winger. I was Wham, and I was Tone Loc and I was Vanilla Ice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was a has been.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fame is a fickle
mistress. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">FARSH. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">See,
<i>FARSH</i> works pretty well for sadness
too.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-25877909066496205312011-10-12T07:38:00.000-07:002011-10-12T07:39:25.550-07:00MY WIFE TELLS SOME PISS POOR STORIES<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love my wife and I'd do absolutely anything for her.
She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's funny and sometimes she smells like
pears. Her mere presence in my life makes me think I actually might be worth a
damn and that there’s a possibility – however, faint – that I could be
something other than completely useless.</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’d marry her a thousand times over if I could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">That being said, the woman could not tell an interesting
story if her life depended on it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Seriously, if some random hooded thug had a gun to her
head and told her to tell him an interesting story or he'd blow the head clear
off her shoulders, well, let's just say I’d be scrubbing her blood off the
carpet and picking pieces of her brain out from our stucco walls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What?</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> You
think that was mean of me? You believe I might have gone a little too far with
the whole "brains in stucco" thing? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Well, you’re wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Honestly, I didn’t go far enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">To better illustrate my point, I ask you now to follow
along as I give you an example of the type of conversations my wife and I have
on a fairly regular basis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"So how was work today,
T?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">That was, me. I was doing the good <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">husbandy</i> thing and asking my wife how her day was. I used to ask
this question a lot when we were first married because I loved her and I was genuinely
interested in hearing how she spent the hours we were apart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I don’t ask it so much anymore – for reasons that will
soon become clear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She’d usually pep up upon hearing this question. Her eyes
would get big and her smile would widen. It’s the same expression a puppy makes
when you offer it a piece of cheese or the leftovers from the morning
breakfast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Really?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Yeah, of course. What
happened today? How'd everything go?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">When she said <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"really"</i>
I should have responded with, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"no,
of course not…I'd have to be an idiot to seriously want to put myself through
that,"</i> but I didn't.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i>Hindsight is a mean son of a bitch. </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Hindsight is that kid you knew growing up that had a
bike, while you were still scooting around in your stupid, plastic Big Wheel. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hindsight likes to rub shit in your face.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">As she started her story, she was all smiles and
butterscotch. She had stuff she wanted to tell me and she was anxious to tell
it. "Well, today we had an IEP meeting about, Martin. His parents and
their advocate were there, and you know it’s really important that parents have
an advo…cate…there…be…"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">As quickly as she started, she was fading away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The upward curls on the corners of her lips flattened.
The stack of bills in her hands had garnered her attention. There was an
electric bill, a cell phone bill, a credit card bill, a thank you card for the
mostly awful gift we bought my brother and his wife for their wedding shower. There
was too much for her to look at and take it. It was sensory overload and she
was unable to stay focused. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">In a matter of seconds she’d stopped talking altogether.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I tried to bring her back. "Hun?" For a moment,
anyway, it worked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Oh? What? Oh…yeah…so…what
was I talking about?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Something about, Martin
and IEP or something like that…"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh! You'll never believe what Lisa
told me about, Janice and Debbie Menn!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I had no idea who Janice was - or Debbie Menn for that
matter. Neither of these facts were of interest to her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Everyone knows background information is a wildly
overrated aspect of storytelling anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"So, anyway, it turns out Debbie has been having an
affair with Lewis. You know Lewis, right? Lewis who teaches fifth grade…you
know him."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I had no idea who Lewis was either – despite her
insistence to the contrary. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Well, I guess they’ve broken it off now and…then…there
was some…other…stuff…" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Shit.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> She’d
finished flipping through the bills, tossed them aside and moved onto her
fingers. She was examining the nails and picking at the polish, and seemed
absolutely absorbed in the process. "I can't believe how bad my fingers
look. Can you believe this? I broke this nail at work today…"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">In less than three minutes she’d managed to change
subjects no less than three times. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s
a subject a minute for all the math geniuses out there.</i> Her complete lack
of focus was astounding. If someone, somewhere happened to be offering up an
award for lack of focus <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(possibly called
The Focuseys)</i> she would have been a lock to walk away with a statuette of
some sort. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I think my wife’s brain might look a lot like a scene
from, Hitchcock’s "The Birds." I imagine thoughts and ideas flying
around, slamming into each other without rhyme or reason, chirping and
squawking and leaving piles of Oreo cookie colored poop all over the place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I bet
it makes for one hell of a CAT Scan.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Hey! Don't let me forget! I need to call your
mother and ask her how formal the Christmas dinner is going to be."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Holy
crap. She actually finished a thought.</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">With the examination of her broken nails and painted
fingers apparently completed, she actually managed to construct something
resembling a partially coherent thought. The sentence had a beginning and an
ending, and it even called on me to participate in the conversation on some
level. This was a remarkable change of events. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If I had a big red marker handy I would’ve drawn a smiley
face on the calendar, or something. At the very least she deserved a gold star,
or maybe a rainbow sticker or som…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"What's on TV tonight? Is it "Project
Runway?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Ooh. Spoke
too soon. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She switched conversations so quickly it gave me
whiplash. I could have sued, but we were married. Her money was my money and I
would have just been suing myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">With a heavy sigh and a shake
of my head, I turned to walk away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Hey! Where are you going?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Upstairs. I suddenly have
a really good idea for a story."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Wait! Wait!” She snagged her
purse with one hand and tossed it in my direction. “Can you do me a favor and
take this with you. Just put it by the thing…in the room…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“The thing in what room?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“You know, the thing on the
desk. The gumanta.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Gumanta?</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I didn’t respond, because there was no response.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“You know what I’m talking
about. Just put it by the magic music maker, Steven.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She was talking about the
little radio in the bathroom – or maybe the alarm clock. Don’t ask me how I
figured it out. I didn’t bother to narrow it down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">As I was about to leave the
room she stopped me again. "What's it about?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“What’s, what about?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Your story.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"It’s about how you can't
tell a good story."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"What are you talking about? I tell great stories! Just
today I was telling, Angie about this one time when…she…and then some…thing…else…"
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">She was flipping though the channels on the television
and slowly fading away once again. It was 4:15 and Judge Judy was on. The old
broad was telling some kid to stop pissing on her leg and calling it rain, or
something equally idiotic. Whatever it was, my wife found it hilarious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Content that our <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">conversation</i> had concluded, I headed
upstairs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m not entirely convinced she
even knew I left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had a story to write – <i>you know,</i> <i>after a quick stop at the magic music maker, of course.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-51798822943293222692011-10-05T09:29:00.000-07:002011-10-05T09:32:09.872-07:00THE GAME WE CALLED COLLEGE<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">"So, what do you wanna
do?"</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I dunno." <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was my best friend, Eric.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Me either."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"College?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Play college?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yeah, sure. You want to?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yeah, okay."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We were about eight years old at the time and, as you’ve no
doubt gathered from the exchange above, we called the game <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"college."</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Most of the time, Eric and I spent our time together collecting
bugs or building forts, or pinning dead bugs to the walls of our forts. On the
rare occasions when bugs and forts weren’t enough to cut the mustard - or just
when the weather sucked – we would generally fall back on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"college.”</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know exactly what you’re thinking, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"What the fuck is college? If this son of a bitch types the word college
one more time and has the unmitigated gall to put it in italics without telling
me just what in the hell he's talking about, I'm going to shove my hand down
his throat, grab his intestines, pull them through his mouth and wrap them
around his neck like jaunty little scarf.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">First things first: You’re awfully violent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Second things second: To make a long story short, the
game of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"college"</i> basically
consisted of, Eric and I hanging out in my bedroom, talking to each other and
acting out what we imagined our lives would be like when we grew up and found
our way to college.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was simple and it was sort of gay. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I say gay, what I really mean is lame<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> – </i>the sort of gay that has absolutely
nothing to do with becoming aroused by the wonderfully lucid smell of man ass.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Most of
the time, anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What’s that? You think the game of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“college”</i> sort of, kind of, maybe just a little bit sounds like
something a couple of girls might do? You think it has a lot in common with
pre-teen pigtailed females bouncing around in their bedroom acting out
situations like meeting a hunky guy, or getting married, or having a big
beautiful wedding and somehow inexplicably becoming a princess? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, if it sounds like a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">girlish</i> sort of thing for a couple young boys to do, that's because
it was. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The only major difference between what we were doing and
the games of our penisless counterparts was that I don't recall Eric or I ever
fantasizing a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“college”</i> scenario in
which we donned a pretty pink dress and married a dashing young prince in a
flowered gazebo near the ocean.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, wait. </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I guess there was that one time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The thing both amazing and pathetic about the game of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"college"</i> was the type of situations
we seemed to think would regularly happen to us once we came of college age.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We expected loads of women and mountains of booze. We
anticipated an endless parade of parties, and piles of crotchless panties –
some filled with drugs and others were filled with the more traditional female
genitals.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe
even a few filled with both.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An afternoon of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“college”</i>
would generally begin with Eric sitting on my bed – basically chillin’ with
just a little bit of illin’ – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you know,
like college kids do.</i> He’d pretend to hear a nonexistent phone ring and
promptly pretend to pick up.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Hello? Yep, this is Eric. Oh, hey Shannon. Yeah.
Sure. What are you up to? Oh, really? Yeah. I think we can do that. Totally
awesome. Sure. Yeah, see you then, sexy."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the pretend world Eric was a smooth talking pimp with
game so big it could hardly be contained. In the real word he was sort of a
weirdo – and a dork – and sort of gross.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eric pretended to hang up the pretend phone and turned to
me with as lecherous a grin as an eight year-old could possibly muster.
"Guess who that was?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was sitting on the pretend bed at the opposite end of
the room in our pretend dorm. I rubbed my hands together like a cartoon villain
and smiled. "Shannon?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yep."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What did she want?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"She's on her way over."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No shit?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yep, and she's bringing, Debbie."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Radical!" <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah,
that's right, I said radical. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don’t judge me too harshly, though. I was only eight and
the Ninja Turtles were popular at the time. Everything was either <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">radical, </i>or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bodacious, </i>or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">totally
tubular.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We immediately scampered to tidy up our pretend dorm and
make it somewhat presentable for the visit of our pretend – no doubt ample breasted
- college cuties.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I knocked twice on the wall with my fist. "They're
here."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After making my way to the pretend door and pretending open
it up, I stepped to the side and let in the pretend girls. As I pretended to
watch them pass by I also pretended look at their pretend butts, and pretended to
mutter the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"dayyyymmmm"</i>
silently to myself in my pretend imagination.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wait -
enough of this.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Pretend imagination?" Isn't that basically the
same thing? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
really need to stop typing pretend.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m not
going to though.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
should, but I’m not going to.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s amusing me to no end. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every
time I do it, I chuckle to myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eric and I pretended to spend the next ten minutes
sweet-talking the girls. Mindless small talk - even pretend mindless small talk
- ended up getting really old, really quick, and before we knew it we'd removed
the shirts of our pretend female companions and were pretending to cop
ourselves a pretend feel.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
Muppet Babies used to pretend like this - minus the boobs of course.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not long afterward we’d managed to get their pretend
everything off, and soon after that the orgy was underway. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eric was propped up on his hands, staring at the bed
underneath him with a truly terrifying grin and humping the air at a
ninety-degree angle.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Taking a moment from pretending to give it to my pretend
girl-toy doggie style, I spotted Eric out of the corner of my eye and felt the
need to speak up. "It wouldn't work like that."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What do you mean?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"It wouldn't work. A real pussy isn't on top like
that. You need to do it on more of angle." In order to show him what I
meant, I flipped over my pretend girl, placed her pretend legs on his
shoulders, rotated my hips and began to hump the air.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was disturbing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My know-it-all bravado also annoyed, Eric. "How do
you know where a pussy is?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Everyone knows. It’s obvious."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Shut up."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You shut up."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No. You shut up."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You shut up infinity."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You shut up infinity plus one."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Fine. Do whatever you want, but when the time comes
to actually get it on with a girl at college you're gonna feel pretty
stupid."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Out of the many, many things wrong with the situation as
a whole, this is the one I chose to point out. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Seriously?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s
just stupid.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In time I'd come to the awful conclusion that the craziest
notion we had while playing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“college”</i>
was that the women in college would call us and ask to come over - or for that
matter, talk to us at all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The pussy placement predicament was the least of our
problems.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-61078662283744263002011-09-29T08:28:00.001-07:002011-09-29T08:28:22.372-07:00JINX MEANS THE END OF MY MARRIAGE
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let
me just preface this story by saying that, when you get right down to it, I'm
barely more than a ten year-old boy sporting a man sized penis. I am. I know
it. I’m not ashamed to admit it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m
also using the term <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“man sized”</i> quite
liberally.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On
top of that, I’ll also admit that this is a combination more dangerous than Pop
Rocks and a can of Coke, or Beyonce and a microphone, or the parents of Beyonce
and a condom with a hole in it.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I really don’t like, Beyonce.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sometimes in a marriage
there are words and moments that simply can’t be taken back. More often than
not these words are said out of anger or frustration, and once they’ve escaped
your mouth and entered through the holes in your significant other’s ears,
they're stuck there - forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When such a thing happens,
you’ll likely never look at each other the same way again. The touch of your
fingers won’t produce the same closeness and the kiss of your lips won’t elicit
a spark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like paying full price to
see a Will Ferrell movie that isn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Anchorman,</i>
these are the moments you can’t come back from.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Such
a moment has occurred in my own marriage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Jinx!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was, me - screaming <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx</i> with every ounce of breath in my
lungs, just moments after my wife and I muttered the exact same word at the
exact same time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You've heard of the game
of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx,</i> right? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Of course you have.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s simple. If two
people happen to say the same thing at the same time and one of those people utters
the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx, </i>it forces the other
person to remain silent until the curse of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx</i>
has been released.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Come
on, you’ve heard of that before, right? Everyone has heard of jinx - even an
idiot like you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oops. Wait. I didn’t mean to say that. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wasn’t talking about you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I was, um. I was talking about the guy behind you.
Yep, that guy right there - that guy in the hat.</i><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He’s an idiot.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You’re awesome.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When my wife presented me
with the opportunity to proclaim <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx</i>,
I took it! I devoured it! I ravaged it! I took it harder and faster and deeper
than an automated sex machine! And I did it in impressive fashion I might add.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was pretty proud of
myself – snagging the moment and making it mine like that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was an impressive thing.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You should be impressed too.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was a big moment for
me. The selling of my soul to the devil for a single moment of glory years ago had
finally paid off. In that instant I was a man among men. I was I was a young
Steve McQueen, riding around on my motorcycle and batting the ladies away with
stick. <br />
<br />
I was a superstar and I was on cloud nine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was on cloud fucking
nine with a totally nude, Salma Hayek and a DVD copy of the seventh season of Star
Trek The Next Generation - until my stupid wife had to do and ruin it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Steven,
did you just say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx</i>?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What
the hell do you think you’re doing? You know you can’t talk, right? I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinxed</i> you!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Steven,
I'm not playing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx."<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Son of a bitch.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This
was how she was going to handle the situation? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The balls on this woman.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wasn’t going to stand
for it. "Sorry, you have to. You've been <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinxed</i>. You can’t talk until I say you can talk. You don’t really
have a choice in the matter.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What? That's not
even how it's played. I thought I had to buy you a coke or something?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh. Dear. God.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did she really just have
the nerve to bring up the moronic <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“buy
you a Coke”</i> version?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The nutsack on this woman!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"That's how girls
played it. I don't acknowledge that version of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx</i>. No one should. People with penis’ play the old school version
and in the old school version you can't talk until I tell you that you can
talk…so shut up."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She was looking at me
like I was an idiot - like I was an eight year-old dancing around the room in a
pair of He-Man Underoos with a racing stripe down the crack. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the flipside of that
coin, I was looking at her like she was from another planet - like she’d just dropped
her pants, took an alien dump in her hands and smeared it seductively onto her sixteen
alien nipples.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why was she even talking?
She wasn’t supposed to be talking! The woman had been completely and thoroughly
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinxed</i>! There was no question as to
what occurred and no question regarding the legitimacy of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx!</i> She was spiting in the face of
everything the game stood for! She was trouncing on a gentlemanly pact spanning
three generations! She was committing a crime against the very laws of nature
itself!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was blasphemy! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was a slap in the face
of what whatever God you happen to believe in! She was backhanding Buddha! She
was kicking Jesus right in the scones! She was throwing handfuls of peanuts at
Ganesha and using the robe of Zeus to blow her nose! She was standing backstage
at a Journey concert in 1982, and telling Steve Perry his mullet looked stupid!
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She was just asking for trouble.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Steven,
I'm not playing jinx."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unbelievable.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I should have slapped her
right then and there. I should have slapped her so hard that my hand left a
print she’d have to wear like the scarlet letter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Why
not?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Um,
I don’t know. Maybe because I'm a grown up?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now
she was being sarcastic?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Last I checked there
wasn't a get out of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx</i> card that came
with the dropping of balls or a first period. Age wasn’t excuse and I wasn’t
buying it. She knew better than to tamper with the very fabric that held the
universe together and yet that’s exactly what she was doing. She knows better
than to mess with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jinx.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"So,
you're just going to keep talking then?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yep."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Not
going to shut up?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Nope.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was on.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When she reached for the
phone to call someone from work, I intercepted it. I wedged the receiver
between my butt cheeks and let one rip. It was a good one - a good stinky one.
It was the sort of rip that rattled the windows and registered on the Richter
scale – the sort of rip worthy of the word rip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You don't want to
play jinx, fine.” I handed her the phone. “Go ahead and call someone on your
poo phone, then."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Personally,
I think I went easy on her. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-7107582485995472502011-09-23T09:02:00.000-07:002011-09-23T09:02:38.315-07:00THE DAVE THOMAS BATH<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sophomore year of college I moved out of the dorms and
got myself a tiny studio apartment in the heart of downtown Columbus, Ohio. The
rent was $300 a month, it smelled like the rent was $300 a month and I
occasionally spent my night spooning a cockroach or two, but none of that
mattered. I was finally living on my own. I was living on my own, I was in the
city, and I had absolutely no one to answer to. I could make as much noise as I
wanted to make. I could clean when I wanted to clean and I could fart when I
wanted to fart.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<!--StartFragment-->
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hell, I could’ve bought myself a bear skin rug, stripped
naked and rolled around on it while masturbating and listening to The Macarena
if I’d wanted to.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Macarena was popular at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don’t
judge me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Initially I was excited about the idea of finally being
on my own and doing my own thing, and being my own man. It was going to be
fantastic! It was going to kick ass! It was going to soak the initial ass
kicking in alcohol and slap on a few band-aids to allow the ass kicking wounds
heal, and then it was going to kick ass again! I was pumped! I was ready to go!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lets do
this shit!<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I should have known better to
be so excited. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Excitement has never
worked out for me. </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fast-forward to a month or two
after I'd moved in: I woke up in the middle of the night and my head was
pounding harder than, Chris Brown pounds his ladies and Mel Gibson pounds back
the booze.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Though it was a particularly chilly night, I was covered
in sweat. My hair, the sheets, my pillow, everything was soaked – everything
was sticking to me. My bed and my body were drenched in a disgusting, sort of
clear and sort of piss-colored moisture. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The room smells like the
armpits of John Belushi’s corpse – or the armpits of Jim Belushi’s career.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My body was on fire and my head cloudy. There was a mean
spirited gymnast sporting a pair of spiked golf shoes and doing a floor routine
in my stomach. There was a mariachi band worming their way through my
intestines and a layer of magma boiling just inside my anus.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was hot - so very hot.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My head weighed a thousand
pounds.<br />
<br />
Things were getting blurry.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I needed to lower my body
temperature. I needed to lower my body temperature quickly and I needed to
lower it before my insides became my outsides. There was no time to actually
check how high my fever was – no time to think - <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I needed to lower my body temperature.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After rolling from the bed crawl across the floor and
into the bathroom, leaving a trail of slippery sweat behind. While sliding
awkwardly across the hardwood on my river of perspiration, I recalled something
my mother once told me about the first couple years of my life. As a child I
was constantly coming down with fevers. These weren’t little <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">girly</i> fevers either – I’m talking about
104 or 105 degrees – the sort of fevers that sear steak and fry brains. When
this happened, apparently she’d have to strip me down, wrap me in cold blankets
and lay me on the kitchen table.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn't have enough blankets. I didn’t even really have
a table. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had a few pizza boxes.That wasn’t going to work, though.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I needed
to lower my body temperature. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Grunting the entire way, I lugged my drippy sweat-flesh
to the bathroom, leaned into the tub and started filling it with ice-cold water.
It took some squirming to get rid of my clothes, but I did exactly that. Once
the tub was full I shut off the water. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My penis was going to shrink to toddler size the minute I
climbed into that thing – it was unavoidable. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I tossed a military salute in the direction of my dong
and offered a remorseful "Godspeed." <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My
temperature must have been off the charts because I obviously wasn’t thinking
straight.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After five minutes in the icy drink I was starting to
feel a bit better. It was working. Sure, certain appendages were likely getting
frostbitten, and there was a good chance that I might lose a toe or two, but
whatever. Appendages could be surgically replaced and toes were useless anyway.
At least I didn't feel like I was taking a vacation on the surface of the sun
anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just when I thought things were getting better, they got
significantly worse – because that’s the way things work for me.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Things are jerks.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly something was alive in my stomach. There was something
evil in there - something big and hairy, and nasty and scary, and something
with two tickets for the ferry. <i>(Rhyming is fun.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whatever it was, it had eaten the gymnast in the golf
shoes and it was climbing in the direction of my mouth with bad intentions.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I jerked forward so wildly you’d have thought I was
possessed by a demon. My body lurched, then recoiled and lurched again. For an
encore it convulsed. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Chunks of something that sort of, kind of, sort of
resembled the Wendy’s double cheeseburger I’d eaten earlier in the day began
pouring from my mouth. There was bread and there was beefy leather boot, and there
were salty grease fries - all mashed together and sticky with noxious bile. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>SPLASHsPloooNNkkkkkplop! </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s
what it sounded like.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A never-ending torrent of the foulest mouth gunk in the
history of mouth gunk was splashing into the water around me – plopping and
expanding, and melding with my icy surroundings. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was what the hail looks like in hell.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For nearly five minutes I continued to spew and gag and
reload, only to spew some more. My throat was raw. My eyes were red and my face
salty with tears. I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to
die. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up. I wanted to remain exactly
where I was – floating in a freezing tub of my own insides. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like an Eskimo after a really good shit followed by a
really good screw, I was frozen, I was naked, and I was empty, and I was spent.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thirty or forty minutes later <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(time had lost all meaning at that point)</i> I somehow managed to roll
out of the tub, get dressed and walk a few blocks to the hospital down the
road.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For two days afterward the stench of my Dave Thomas bath
stuck to me like honey to a Pooh Bear.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The doctor told me it was most likely food poisoning. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I told him my old pal, Dave would never do that to me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He told me I was an idiot.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-85000038477439216422011-09-20T08:46:00.000-07:002011-09-20T16:11:29.572-07:00PARLAN NELLISON<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was at my very first comic book convention, I was twelve
years old and I was nervous as hell.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The place was bigger than I expected it to be – filled
with chubby, greasy-skinned nerds and even chubbier, greasier-skinned nerds in
costumes that made them look silly, chubby and strangely, even more greasy-skinned.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I pulled the stack of drawings under my arms closer to my
body and breathed deeply. My feet wouldn’t move. My legs felt heavy and my lips
were dry. Even the multitude of Spider-Man paraphernalia wasn’t making me
comfortable, and Spider-Man had always made me comfortable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why did
I bring the stupid drawings? I shouldn’t have brought the drawings. I might
have been able to enjoy the surrounding nerd fiesta if I hadn’t brought the
drawings.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When my mother offered up a trip to the convention a
month prior, I was excited. I was really excited. I loved comic books. I’d
always loved comic books and I was always going to love comic books. When she
suggested that I bring along my drawings to show around, my excitement petered,
wrinkled and crawled up into me like a chilly penis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn’t want to show anyone my stupid little drawings.
That didn’t sound fun at all.<br />
<br />
It’s not that I wasn’t any good, because I was pretty good – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for a twelve year old.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There were going to be adults there – people older and
more talented than me – people looking for jobs and struggling to feed their
families. Editors and business people and such didn’t have time to deal with a
twelve year-old wiener with a stack of mostly crappy <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Spawn</i> sketches. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was silly and I was going to feel silly doing it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
shouldn’t have brought the stupid drawings.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mother mashed her hand into the small of my back and
pointed toward the opposite side of the room. “Why don’t you go wait in that
line over there?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fifty or so feet away a line of Silent Bob-looking nerds
was slowly forming. At the front of the line there was a small table with an
elderly couple seated behind – elderly from the perspective of a twelve
year-old, anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I didn’t move, my mother nudged me again. “Go on,
Steven.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I lowered my stance, shifted my weight and refused to
budge. “Mom, I don’t want to. I don’t even know who those people are.”<br />
<br />
It was the truth. I’d never seen either of the white-haired old goats before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“That doesn’t matter, Steven.” My mother squinted her
eyes, looked past the line of unshaven, arty nerds and tried to read sign taped
to the front of the table. “Look, his name is right there…Parlan.” The conga
line of dorks was obscuring most the letters and she was adding replacements on
her own, “Parlan Nellison.”<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Parlan Nellison?<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I shook my head. “What? I don’t even think that’s a name.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mother was rapidly becoming annoyed. She wedged both
hands in my back, leaned into me and shoved me forward. “Yes it is, Steven! You
have to start getting better at stuff like this! Now walk over there and get in
line!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I couldn’t figure out why she was making me do something
I clearly had no interest in doing. If she wanted to talk to old man Parlan so
badly, why didn’t she do it? I didn’t want to talk to the guy, and I sure as
hell didn’t want to awkwardly offer to show him my drawings! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wanted to call my mother a four-letter word! I wanted
to kick her in the shin, tear my clothes off and run into the city screaming! I
wanted to chop off her shove-happy hands and drawn my next round of Spawn
drawings in the blood spurting from the stumps! I wan-<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The look on her face told me that I needed to start
walking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started walking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I stood in that line for nearly thirty minutes,
struggling to control my breathing and wiping massive amounts of sweat from my
forehead. One by one the nerds plopped their oversized nerd butts beside
Grandpa Parlan, opened their portfolios and began to explain the ins and outs
of their work. The line was
getting shorter and shorter. My neck felt itchy. My legs had transformed from
concrete to loose spaghetti. I looked over at my mother - she was flashing me
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thumbs up.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was
totally going to paint something in her blood.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The longhaired goober in front of me sat down and opened
his portfolio. Suddenly I was next. As old man Parlan thumbed through the pages
I was finally able to read the name on the paper hanging from the front of the
table. Parlan’s name wasn’t even Parlan – it was Harlan.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Harlan Ellison.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At twelve years old, I didn’t have any idea who in the
hell Harlan Ellison was. I had no idea that he was one of the most influential
science fiction writers of his generation. I’d never really seen <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Trek</i>, and I had no idea what <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The City on the Edge of Forever</i> was. I
hadn’t read <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I Have No Mouth, and I Must
Scream</i>, or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A Boy and His Dog, </i>and
I certainly didn’t know anything about him being the literary world most famous
curmudgeonly asshole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If I had, I would’ve reconsidered kicking my mom in the
shin. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Harlan flipped close the portfolio in front of him, shook
his head, sighed deeply and waved away Mr. Nerdy McTrenchcoat. When he finally
looked at me, he grimaced. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The
feeling was mutual.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn’t want to be there any more than he wanted me to
be there. His old-timey arm raised and his mummified finger pointed squarely in
my direction. His lips curled into an annoyed snarl and he flashed his pearly
white dentures. He was moments from telling me to go play in traffic when his
wife snatched his wrist, and returned his wrinkly appendage to the table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She smiled sweetly in my direction and patted the table
gently with her free hand. “Hi there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Women.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It would have been better for all involved if she’d just
let the cranky old bastard scream at me, clonk his cup of coffee off my
forehead and send me on my way. Instead she had to be nice, and she had to be
cordial, and she had to keep him from getting arrested for assaulting a twelve
year-old.<br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Women.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the next ten minutes, Harlan begrudgingly flipped
through the pages of my raggedy sketchbook and rolled his eyes while his wife
remarked on just how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">talented </i>I was. When
he came to my poorly proportioned renderings of large-breasted women, he
chuckled. When he came to my Liefeld-esque, Youngblood drawings he moaned. When
he came to the comic book I’d drawn on typing paper and stapled down the side,
he nearly slammed his head against the table. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Clearly annoyed, the cranky old sack, leaned back in his
chair, tossed his hands into the air and sighed a sigh so deep it made the old
Jim Carey talking butt cheek gag seem subtle.<br />
<br />
His wife <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tossed</i> another talented my
way to cover it up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Suddenly I wanted to kick him in the shin as well – her too
– just because.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After all the pages had been turned, the old bastard flipped
my sketchbook shut and nudged me in the shoulder – clearly indicating that he
wanted me to get lost. His wife shook my hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He did not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I looked Harlan straight in the eye and said, “Thank you,
Mr. Nellison.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At that point I knew his name. I was just being a jerk. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He sort
of deserved it.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When it over I shuffled through the crowd and returned to
my mother’s side. Believe it or not, the ditzy broad actually had the nerve to
try and give me a high five.<br />
<br />
To this day she has no idea how very close she was to getting her arms chopped
off and how very close I was to crafting my next typing paper comic book with
her blood.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-20683138189842634772011-09-15T08:22:00.000-07:002011-09-15T08:24:24.677-07:00STRETCH ARMSTRONG AND A FERRET VAGINA<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I was fifteen, I got my
very first job. It was at a Kmart.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why the hell they hired me, I honestly
couldn't tell you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">During the interview I was so
nervous I barely formed a coherent sentence. I managed to pronounce my own last
name wrong and I dripped damn near a gallon of sweat onto the carpet of the
woman tossing questions my way. Not to mention the fact that I was moments from
spewing the turkey and cheddar <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lunchables
</i>I’d eaten earlier in the day on her pretty blue shoes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Despite all this, two weeks later I was standing behind a
register in one of those swanky red vests, pretending like I gave a crap
whether or not the person I was checking out had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"found everything all right."</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Did you find everything
all right?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Find everything did
you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Find everything you needed?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ug. If I’d known how to handle a gun I might have blown
my brains out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unfortunately I had as much gun knowledge as, Howie
Mandel has comic timing, or anyone that thinks, Jennifer Aniston movies are
fantastic pieces of American cinema, has taste.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No. I just would have shot myself in the foot. And where
would I have been then? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Working the checkout line at Kmart in a cast, that's
where. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No thanks,
dillweed.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A couple months after starting at Kmart my supervisor
gave me a cart full of returns and told me head into the store and put them
back where they belonged. I was okay with this job. I fact, I sort of liked it.
It got me away from the checkout line and it allowed me to walk aimlessly
through the store pretending that I couldn't figure out where things went in a
desperate attempt to kill some time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If a shopper approached me with a question like, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"Where can I find the lug nuts?" </i>I'd
point them in the wrong direction, then go and hide.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I knew where the lug nuts were.
So why didn’t I just tell them? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I dunno.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm a jerk? I thought it was funny? I was an idiotic
fifteen year-old and I wanted to take out the anger I felt for having to work
at Kmart on innocent people? Most likely, it was a mix of all three. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Plus, lets go ahead and throw in something about my
father never loving me, or some such nonsense. It works for serial killers,
right? Why not me? Why should serial killers get all the breaks? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They get to eat people, they get to wear the skin of
their victims as a summer dress <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">AND</i> they
get to blame it all on their parents? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Screw
that.</i> I want in on this action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One specific afternoon, while shuffling through the
store, wasting time and pointing people in the wrong direction, I found myself
in the toy department. The guy who worked in Sporting Goods and the guy who
worked in electronics were huddled close near the rear of the action figure
aisle. They were speaking in whispers - being real secretive and such.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sporting goods guy noticed me.
"Hey, come here."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">super-spy</i>
abilities kicked in. I needed to know what they were up to and I wouldn’t
settle for anything less. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Bet you
didn't think I had super-spy abilities, did you? Turns out, as of 2011 it’s my
number one ability. So suck on that.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don't misunderstand me, I can't single handily save Air
Force One from terrorists, I can't do karate or even punch a guy in the face. I
can't speak fifteen different languages. I can't bed down various sexy women
that are revealed to be my enemies in the last reel either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What I can do, and what I could do even back then is
exactly what I did: turn my head to the left and the right to make sure no one
is looking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I never
said they were "impressive" super-spy abilities.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Confident the coast was clear I made my way over to the knuckeheads
at the end of the aisle. When I was close, sporting goods guy motioned to one
of the shelves and said, "Check this out."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Crammed in between the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ninja Turtles Super Turtle Chopper </i>and some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">X-Men</i> action figures, was a Stretch Armstrong doll. Stretch was
lying on his back and he had an Exacto knife protruding from his chest. He
looked like the victim of a satanic cult. There was milky-clear liquid is
leaking from the hole in his chest cavity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was thick and creamy – a weird mixture of molasses and
snot – sort of what I imagine, Big Foot’s spooge must look like. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not
that I think about that a lot or anything.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sporting Goods guy turned to Electronics guy and offered
with a sly grin and a half-chuckle, "Dude, I totally dare you to eat
it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"No way man. That's like…filled with toxic, and
shit."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Pussy. You don't have to
eat a lot, just taste it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Fuck you. You taste
it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Realizing he was getting
nowhere, Sporting Goods guy turned his attention to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yeah,
right. This idiot was even dumber than he looked if he thought for even a
second that I was going to touch the warm insides of Stretch to my tongue. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Electronics
guy said it best: "it's like...filled with toxic...and shit."<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I looked at Sporting Goods guy like he was insane and shook
my head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was clearly annoyed. He was also a little angry. "Man,
you two are a couple pussies! Go to the women's section and buy yourselves some
dresses, you dress wearing pussies. Fine. I'll do it myself, but you assholes owe
me like fifty bucks for doing it…each"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nobody was going to give him fifty bucks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not on
a Kmart salary.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hesitantly, he touched the tip of his finger to Stretch's
gooey insides, placed the glob to his lips and dabbed it with the tip of his
tongue. His eyes closed. His face scrunched and his lips pulled back. Within
seconds he was spitting and fanning his mouth like it was on fire. He was spinning
in circles and jogging in place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With his eyes still shut he screamed far louder than he
should have, "Aw, man! Fuck! It tastes like a ferret’s pussy!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Huh?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A ferret’s pussy?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Really?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To this day I still have no idea what the hell that was
supposed to mean or why he chose it as an example of something that tasted bad.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">More importantly, how did he know a ferret’s pussy tasted
so awful to begin with? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hell, ferret pussy might taste like cinnamon – hairy
cinnamon – mixed with wood chips.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In any case, the reason Kmart hired me in the first place
suddenly made complete and total sense: Look who they were comparing me to.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-41490775381989993432011-09-09T08:57:00.000-07:002011-09-09T09:01:01.371-07:00SCHOOL SPIRIT<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">I hated high school and it hated me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><b> </b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">The boys spent half of the day thinking of ways to kick my ass,
and the other half actually kicking it. The girls looked at me like I was
walking around with two fistfuls of dog poop glued to the sides of my head like
earmuffs and wearing a winter jacket made of carefully patched together cow
plop.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You can call me crazy if you like, but it's kind of
difficult to get excited about quadratic equations when you’re anticipating the
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oh so wonderful</i> feeling of Johnny
Jockstrap’s foot colliding with your kidneys at 3:45 next to the dumpster out
back.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Look, mom! I'm pissing blood! I need to get to work on
paper about Operation Barbarossa and how it was the turning point of World War
II, though. Guess I'll have to clean up those pesky blood splatters later!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don’t misunderstand me; despite the occasional group
dumpster beating, my high school wasn't what anyone with half a brain in their
head would consider <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"tough."</i>
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course, we did have to wear an ID card around our neck.
There were also random locker checks throughout the year and metal detectors at
the main entrance. Graffiti peppered the stairwells and there was a special
office on the fourth floor where a local cop was posted - but still, to the
best of my knowledge no one ever went on a shooting spree or anything – at least
not while I was there.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like most schools, every year there was a homecoming pep
rally - you know, so everyone could support the team and show school spirit – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rah, Rah, Sis Boom Bah and all that nonsense.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the day of the rally the entire student body was herded
into the gymnasium. Once the cattle were packed in the principal would go into
the standard speech about how the kids at his school were faster, stronger,
angrier and had thicker penis’ than the kids from the next town over. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The football team instantly became the recipients of thunderous
applause and come hither glances those in the audience with vaginas. The
cheerleaders spun and jumped, and offered up ever so brief glimpses of the teenage
camel toe crammed into their tiny blue underpants. A beach ball was passed
around. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;">There were signs, and streamers. A few of the more dedicated decided to
lather themselves in body paint.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was loads of fun for all involved, right?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As far as I was concerned, that nonsense could <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eat my nuts.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It could eat my nuts then, and it can eat them now.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hell, I’ll
lather them up in sauce if it’ll make them go down smoother. I’ll marinade them
for a solid twenty-four hours before tossing them on the grill. Yeah, you heard
me. I said marinade. I don't even care if that doesn’t make any sense. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Making
sense can eat my nuts as well.<br />
<br />
I’ll put them on a bun.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wanted the girls to ram the beach balls right up their backsides
and the boys to roll the streamers into a fine point and slide them it up their
pee hole.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sophomore year I came to a major decision: I was going to
buck the trend.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was going
to play by my own rules and I was going to ditch the pep rally.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Under normal circumstances at a normal high school this
might not have been such a difficult thing, but at my school the pep rally was
mandatory. In fact, security people were posted at the exits in order to catch
mad anarchist black sheep like myself, and return them safely to their pens.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was going to have to play it smart and play it cool. For
one day in my life I needed to be less, Steven Novak and more, Steve McQueen.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My eighth period ended and the teacher told us to line up
and follow her to the gym for the pep rally. I made sure I was at the back of
the line.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Down the stairwell and to the first floor we went. We made a
left at the cafeteria and headed toward the gym. When we passed by a bathroom, I
quickly slipped in the door. From there it was into a stall where I dropped the
toilet seat, hopped on top and quietly chuckled to myself at the sheer <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">genius</i> of my plan.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What's
that? <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You're saying to yourself, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"This isn't very cool. Hiding on toilet seat doesn’t sound a hell
of a lot like Steve McQueen" </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, here’s a bit of movie trivia for you smartass. Apparently
you haven't seen the special hush-hush directors cut of Bullitt, because Steve
does exactly that. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It's there.</i> Trust
me on this one. You don't need to go confirming it or anything. I just schooled
you and you know it! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Take it like a man.</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After ten minutes I figured it was safe to make my move. I
hopped off the toilet, cracked open the bathroom door and peeked out. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The coast was clear.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Tiptoeing out of the bathroom, I began carefully making my
way to the exit on the other side of the school. It was my thinking that the
furthest exit from the actual rally was the one least likely to be guarded.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Makes
perfect sense, right?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I passed the principals office I crouched to make sure
the receptionist didn't see me. I used an alternate route to avoid the
cafeteria. My plan was working perfectly! Everything was going exactly
according to plan and I’m not the least bit ashamed to say I was pretty proud
of myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was really doing it! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was really ditching school and I was pulling it off in spectacular
fashion! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was awesome!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No, no, wait. It wasn’t awesome – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I was awesome!</i> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the very first time in my life I really was, Steve
McQueen!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After rounding a corner at the end of the hall, I spotted
the exit twenty feet away. I’d done it. I’d pulled it off. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Screw those douchebags and their douchey school spirit! </i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Screw all
the football players who had prom dates and would undoubtedly lose their
virginity fifty times over before they reached their twenties! Screw all those
cheerleaders with their silky skin, luscious hair, and mouth-watering chests!
Screw their perky high school-loving smiles and their annoying high-pitched
laughs! Screw the principal and screw the teachers! Screw the mustached janitor
who would make more money putting wood chips on puke in a year then I would
ever make with my art! <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Screw them
all!</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Screw them
all ten times over with the business end of a business stick! Screw them so
hard they forget their names and their address and their families, and they’re
doomed to forever walk the streets confused and lonely, and begging for change!<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Screw
everyone in the whole damn wo-"</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hey, you! Where do you think
you're going?"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Shit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The voice came from behind me. It
belonged to the girls gym teacher.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Double shit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not only did my entire plan come crashing down around me in
an instant, but it came crashing down because of a beefy, butch lesbian in a
pair of short shorts with a whistle around her neck.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ten minutes later I was sitting on the bleachers in the gym
while everyone cheered, and the kid behind me purposely kicked me in the spine.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To the best of my knowledge I can't recall that ever
happening to Steve McQueen.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even in a hush, hush directors cut.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-65580978015331037262011-09-07T07:40:00.001-07:002011-09-09T08:59:50.752-07:00ROSE TAKES IT OFF<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
was a virgin throughout high school. I never poked unknowingly a pair of boobs.
I never squeezed a buttock that wasn’t my own. I never kissed a girl on the
lips, or the face, or the hand, or blew one in her direction from across a
room. I never went on a date. I never even had a female look at me without screaming
at me to stop staring before unleashing their boyfriends on me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was
as pure as a newborn baby - with a slightly more impressive penis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Only slightly, though.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In
fact, the only parts of a naked woman I’d ever seen were either in my head or
in any of the various pornographic materials I’d managed to catch a glimpse of
over the years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To
say that I was a teeny bit <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hard</i> up
for human contact would be the understatement of the century - the equivalent
of saying Michael Bay is a bad director.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While
true, it doesn’t even come close to telling the whole story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My
senior year in high school I earned a scholarship to an art college in Ohio. It
wasn’t too long afterward that I learned the required courses of the first year
included a figure drawing class – a nude figure drawing class. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, yeah.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was finally going to see some real life boobs!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
fully understand just how pathetic that last sentence must have read to the
vast majority of you. I assure you, it sounded just as pathetic in my head. I’m
not proud of it. It’s not something I’m going to put on my resume or tell the
grandkids when I’m old. It’s out there and I can’t take it back. What’s done is
done.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At
the time I didn't even care that there would likely be a guy or two thrown into
the mix. I’d been in locker rooms. I could suffer though a few eyefuls of penis
for the chance to gaze upon the flesh and blood form of naked female. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It
was going to be awesome - naked women awesome – which is the most absolute awesome
of awesome when you’re a sad and lonely eighteen year-old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Months
passed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">During
that time I moved to Ohio and I settled into the dorms at school. I was raring
to go! I was chomping at the bit! I was chomping at the raring and going with
the chomp!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t know that that last
one is supposed to mean and I really don’t care.</i> That’s how excited I was. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It
was the first day of the figure drawing class. I was at my desk with my pencils
out and pad of paper opened. My fingers were tapping on the desk anxiously.
They wouldn’t stop. The instructor said something along the lines of, "The
model is getting ready. She'll be out in a moment."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She’ll?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He
used the word “she’ll.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hells to the, yeah.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It
was a woman - a girl – a female - a homo sapien with sexual organs entirely
different than my own. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was going to have a
womb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fo shizzle.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
slid my midsection a little more underneath the desk, on the off chance that
something began to stir below. I wanted to be prepared. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Keepin’ it real, homie!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Moments later, the model walked into the room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She
was at least seventy-five.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dayum.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In
hobbled an elderly woman named, Rose. Her face was like a catcher’s mitt and
her hair like an old bird’s nest. She was probably one of Thomas Jefferson’s
mistresses and it was safe to assume she’d been getting discounts at Denny’s
since the ‘80’s. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rose
dropped her robe and my world crumbled with it. She looked like a garbage bag
filled with drippy-wet pee-poo diapers. She looked like a Barbie doll someone
melted in the sun. She looked like a textbook definition of the word gravity. Needless
to say, my fears about hiding my midsection were completely unfounded. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In fact, my penis took the
initiative and hid itself.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
spent the next hour and a half drawing Rose in various positions I wished she’d
never gotten into while listening to her complain that that she was cold, or
aching, or that she needed a rest because the arthritis in her hands was acting
up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As
I stared at the wrinkly exterior she called flesh and I called the Devil’s
hammocks, all I could think was, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"Those
aren't supposed to be down that low, are they?”</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
also never wanted to eat, or see someone eat, or be in the presence of a roast
beef sandwich again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Half
way through the class the instructor gave everyone a break. While most of the
students went outside to smoke a cigarette or throw up, or throw up then use
the cigarette to burn their eyes, I sat in stunned silence. It’s not that I
couldn’t move so much as I didn’t want to move.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I
never wanted to move again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">With
everyone gone, Rose put on her robe and started walking around the room, looking
at the drawings everyone had done of her. She nodded her head at some and shook
it at others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Turns out she was a real art
snob - you know, for a bag of old beef jerky.</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She
eventually made her way to me and stood behind me with one hand on her hip and
the other scratching at those pesky black hairs dangling from her chin. There
was little more than a thin sheen of nylon separating me from her wrinkled
nakedness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She
was quiet for a minute, examining my work with her discerning, cataract-riddled
eyes. When she’d seen all she needed to see, Rose leaned down and pinched my
cheek from behind. "That's really wonderful, sweetie."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm
not even kidding. She pinched my damn cheek. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just like my Grandma used
to do.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How
I made it through the second half of class while comparing Rose to my nanny <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who by a cruel piece of fate, also happened
to have been named, Rose)</i> is completely beyond me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rose,
the nude model, was the very first woman who ever flashed me her junk while in
something fairly close to the doggie-style position.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rose reminded
me of my grandma.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sometimes
all you can do is laugh at life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Other
times you want to throw a brick at it.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2825273639762471092.post-7383695007805374972011-09-02T07:53:00.000-07:002012-02-24T13:17:16.988-08:00GOODWILL, GONE BAD<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My wife and I have two cats. Actually, my wife has
two cats. They only became my cats as a result of marriage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I hate
them both.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, scratch that—maybe <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hate</i> is too strong a word. I should probably reserve the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hate</i> for people like Hitler, Pol Pot,
Perez Hilton, and maybe Wilford Brimley. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t
have to check my blood sugar if I don’t want to.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You don’t
own me, Brimley.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While I can’t honestly say that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hate</i> my cats as much as Blood Sugar
Brimley, I don’t really<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> like</i> them all
that much either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They’re old, and they’re needy, and they’re always
cranky. They yell at me when they’re hungry. They walk on my head when I’m in
their way. They steal the pencils from my drawing table and bat them around the
room. They gnaw on my shoestrings. They leave hair all over the place. They
puke. They attack my feet while I’m sleeping. They’re always fighting and
knocking things over and digging in the trash and walking on the counters. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They’re plain old rude—and they’re annoying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If they were people, they’d be assholes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If they were rich people, they’d be Kardashians. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A year or so ago, I was cleaning out the garage
when I noticed that it smelled a lot worse than usual. Since we keep the little
jerks' litter box in the garage, it tends to always smell a bit “pooey”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>in there—especially in the summer
months. This was something else, though. This was something more. No matter
what I did—no matter how hard I scrubbed or cleaned or wiped or disinfected—the
odor wasn’t going away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was rancid, and it was old. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It smelled dead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Try to imagine the corpse of a greased up Jonathan
Winters, slathered in rotten eggs, tossed in the oven, and cooked for thirty
minutes at 450 degrees. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Maybe there are
couple spoonfuls of guacamole over his eyes? Maybe a trout wedged in his butt
crack? <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s how this smelled.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After a bit of sniffing and searching around, I
traced the scent to my car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did I run
over a skunk?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No.</i> The tires were free of skunk brains.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I leaned in the open window, the odor slapped
me in the face. After it smacked me once, it coiled back and delivered a
backhand. As I was reeling, it traveled up my nose, into my skull, and spread
outward like a fart cloud laced with Agent Orange. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whatever the ungodly stench was, it was emanating
from inside my car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Standing at the doorway leading into the house
were both the cats. The jerks were just standing there beside each other. They
were watching me. They were watching me with their smart little cat eyes. They
knew exactly what I’d stumbled upon and what I was about to see.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They were
watching me, and they were laughing.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cats are smarter than you think. They understand,
they formulate, they plan, and they strategize. Cats are working out all the
angles when you’re still settling on a first move. Cats are whisker-deep in semester
two of Calculus 101 when you’re still struggling with long division.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>With
the little bastards watching me from across the room with their unblinking eyes
and grinning from behind their whisker-laden cheeks, I opened my car door and
crawled inside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I could
swear I’d stepped into the fifth circle of hell.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My eyes watered, and my chest heaved. I used two
fingers on one hand to pinch my nose and the other hand to cover my mouth. I
couldn’t breathe, and I didn’t want to breathe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the passenger seat was a dried up pile of cat
plop. On the floor beneath my feet was another, and in the little drink holder
between the two seats was another still. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Damn it.
What sort of sick bastard drops a load in a drink holder?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The back seat was filled with it too—piles of
dried-up cat dump—crumply like rocks and discolored with weeks of decay. It was
wedged between the mattresses, flattened against the floorboards, and spread
across an old magazine. Some of it was drenched in piss and stuck to the seats.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Partially because we were away on vacation and
partially because I work out of home, the car hadn’t been driven in a while.
There was no telling how long those sons of bitches had been using my car as
their personal four-thousand-pound litter box.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s when I remembered it—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the Goodwill stuff.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There were at least ten garbage bags of stuff we
planned on giving to Goodwill in the rearmost section of the SUV. They’d been
there for a while. I told my wife I’d drop them off months ago, but laziness
got the better of me—as laziness tends to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I dislike
laziness almost as much as I dislike my cats.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Still wobbly from the odor, I hobbled on spaghetti
legs to the rear of the car and opened the back door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What greeted me was a sight no human being should
ever have to see.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rock-hard feces spilled out the door and onto my
feet. The bags were covered in pebbly crap and caked with blackish-yellow
stains. Everything was sticky and crumply—crusty and moist in ways that didn’t
seem scientifically feasible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It smelled like a mass grave—like a hundred
corpses were buried somewhere beneath our bags of old clothes and ill-fitted
shoes. It smelled like what a Civil War battlefield must have smelled like.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started to cough, and when I started to cough, I
started to inhale. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was inside me. Poo particles coated my nose and
filled my lungs. Once inside, they set up shop, joined together, and began to
procreate. They sent their kids off to school and invited their friends over
for a barbecue. They were planning on staying a while.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the cats
still in the doorway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was
lying before when I said I didn’t hate them.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I charged in their direction, and they scattered.
One of them zoomed beneath my legs, causing me to stumble forward, and land on
my face—inches from a rocky-stiff cat turd.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I spent the afternoon cleaning, spraying, and
cleaning my car again. When I was done, I repeated the process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If I thought for a second that my wife wouldn’t
kill me, I’d kill the cats.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If I thought for a second that I wouldn’t go to
jail, I’d kill my wife.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If I thought for a second that he wouldn’t be dead
in five years anyway, I’d kill, Wilford Brimley.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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